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The I.R.S comes to Coruscant
Part Three
By Daphne


Bant and Hrothar waited outside the door. Jemmiah's arrival and Simeon's pursuit had given them hope that they wouldn't have to do anything to get them back to the Healer's, but they weren't taking any chances.

"Do you have it ready?"

"Yes. As soon as one comes through, stop him, and I'll attach it."

"Okay. Here comes Master Jinn." Bant rushed out of her cubbyhole. "Hello, Master Jinn. How are you today?"

"Just fine, Bant. Obi-Wan is a bit tied up now, if you'd like to help him out."

Stalling, Bant continued with small talk, as Hrothar crept up and clipped the small device onto Qui-Gon's utility belt.


Qui-Gon finally extricated himself from his padawan's friend, and headed down to the main entrance. Seeing Mace was his signal that his horrible, awful day was almost over.

"Good evening Mace."

"Good evening Qui... What happened to you?"

"It's a long story. I'll explain later. Just take me somewhere and let me buy a few drinks first."

Whatever had happened to Qui-Gon must be bad if he wanted to get drunk before he thought about it. Oh well. With the Council session tomorrow, Mace steeled himself to have nothing stronger than Iced Tea.

As they boarded the shuttle, Mace almost asked his friend if he realized there was a rather powerful tracking device clipped to his backside. Finally he decided.

//I just don't want to know.//


Obi-Wan finally managed to pin down Jemmiah before she did something rash.

"Kenobi, you're the only male I know who doesn't want a girl to pounce him."

"Shutup Simeon." Obi-Wan clenched his teeth, as the sheen disappeared from Jemmiah's eyes. "She's finally coming out of it."

Suddenly, she pushed Obi-Wan off, and slapped him across the cheek. "And that's for kissing that... that... Erg!"

"And what about you kissing Brinkly? Hmmm???"

Simeon grabbed a spot on the couch. This could be entertaining.


Mace was amazed. He'd rarely seen Qui-Gon look so relaxed before.

//Granted, I've never seen him drink an entire bottle of that Outer Rim concoction either. Actually, I've never seen anyone drink an entire bottle of that stuff.//

The longer the evening progressed, the more entertaining Qui-Gon's stories were getting as well. Not likely he left Obi-Wan and Jemmiah rolling around on the floor.

Settling back with his own glass of sparkling Muja Juice, Mace only wished everyone could be here to see this.


Hrothar peeked around the corner.

//A bar? What are two Masters doing in a bar? It's not even a restaurant, just one of those cantina places.//

Sighing, Hrothar checked the coordinates of the homing beacon once again, and decided they just had to be there.

Using a mind trick, which he excused with the thought that An-Paj HAD ordered him to follow Master Jinn, (And I can't keep track of him if I can't see him. And I certainly can't get him back to the Healer's...) Hrothar headed inside.


"You kissed Brick! How could you kiss Brick? That's like... that's like... I don't even know it's so bad!"

"Stop pouting Ben! YOU kissed another padawan! And you drugged me! Are you trying to kill me?!?"

Simeon checked the chrono. An hour. They'd been at it for over an hour. This might get boring if it wasn't so funny. So far he had learned that Jemmiah had a fetish for Jedi, and wore blue underwear and Obi-Wan snored loudly and had a hard skull, after all Jemmiah had hit him over the head what about twelve times tonight with whatever was at hand, and he was still standing.

Pouring himself another glass of Muja Juice, Simeon settled down for what looked to be round three - 'Criticizing Anyone and Everyone in the Other Person's Life.' Jemmiah was starting in on Qui-Gon.

Definitely entertaining.


Hrothar ducked behind the gambling table as he crept closer. Shields in place. If they sense you, it's all over.

"... And then Obi-Wan said to the Princess, but your highness, you can't be attracted to me - my Master already dreams about you."

As the two Masters roared with laughter, Hrothar wondered just how much information he could get by just waiting a bit.

//Surely I don't have to send him back to the healer's already. If I wait long enough, he might get there himself.//


Simeon scowled at being sent away. //But where's the fun in that? Oh well. If precedence holds true, they'll kiss and make up soon enough. And then Master Jinn will show up before they finish making up and wring both their necks.//

Walking towards the Healer's, Simeon decided if he wanted to see the results, he'd just have to stay around for night duty.


Simeon was patient.

//Now I know why that's such a useful trait// he thought to himself. Waiting out Jemmiah and Obi-Wan could take a while.

Grinning, he checked up on Giana. Poor girl. If being jumped by Obi wasn't bad enough, fighting Jemmiah took the cake. Eyeing the scratches and bruises, he decided that matching a Seraph against a Corellian was a bad idea.

Glancing in the next room, Simeon spied Miran going over datapads full of data on the Healer's accounting. Or more precisely, what Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon cost the Temple in medical bills over the course of a standard year.

Interesting punishment for getting holos of Qui-Gon, Simeon mused before taking up watch near what was referred to as the Jinn/Kenobi bed. One of them ended up there after every mission.


Hrothar waited patiently. Patience did come in handy after all. Qui-Gon was slowly approaching the brink of consciousness. It would be no problem to simply wait until he passed out and Master Windu hauled him off the Healer's.

Suddenly, Qui-Gon tilted back in his chair, and

Qui-Gon lay sprawled on the floor. Several tables had toppled in his path, and the patrons looked rather... unhappy to say the least.

Suddenly, Qui-Gon looked up and spotted the apprentice healer staring at him. //Uh-oh. I think I had best get going.//


//Note to self: Angry Jedi are worse when drunk.// Taking off at a dead run, Hrothar could only hope to reach the safety of the Healer's and An-Paj before Master Jinn caught him and began questioning.

Glancing over his shoulder, Hrothar noticed that Master Windu was in pursuit too, although he wasn't sure whether he was after the apprentice or the master.

Eyeing the distance between him and the Temple, Hrothar began to weave through the crowd.

//How coordinated can he be? He's drunk. //

Hearing the commotion behind him, Hrothar noticed Qui-Gon bowling over those who stepped in his path. Sith, how are we going to explain this?


Jemmiah ran her hands through Obi-Wan's hair as she pulled him closer on the couch.

//Making up *is* always the best part of fighting.//

Sighing Obi-Wan checked the chrono.

//Qui-Gon won't be home for quite awhile, especially since Master Windu is with him.// Leaning back, Obi-Wan wrapped Jemmiah in his arms. //Now this is the life.//


An-Paj groaned. "Why am I the one who has to get up in the middle of the night to tend to those two?" Glancing over at his 5th wife, An-Paj dressed and headed out for the infirmary.

Opening the door, An-Paj swallowed. //By the Force! How do they do it?//

Qui-Gon lay on the examining table arguing with Leona. Next to him, Padawan Hrothar looked like he wanted to run screaming from the room. Only the firm hold Qui-Gon had on his ear prevented it.

Giana was out of bed and preparing bacta wraps, while Miran circled Qui-Gon warily. //She's too valuable to send away, and too afraid of Qui-Gon right now to be useful// he mused.

All of that could have been dismissed were it not for the fact that Jemmiah and Obi-Wan sitting together on the bed which comprised the heart of the Kenobi ward - and they were stuck to each other.

This had best be good.

An-Paj approached the Dynamic Duo with caution. He certainly had no intention of accidentally getting stuck to either of them. "Would someone like to tell me how you managed to do this?"

"You don't want to know."

"Kenobi, either that's a very bad mind trick, or wishful thinking."

"Why do you always insist on DETAILS?"

"Because I consider the amusement compensation for fixing whatever you damage. Talk."

Jemmiah gestured to Qui-Gon who was being slowly wrapped in bacta few feet away. "If we tell you in front of him, it could be hazardous to our health."

Nodding An-Paj directed Leona and Simeon to roll a very perturbed Qui-Gon into the next room and give him some painkillers. That ought to prevent further bloodshed.

Watching, An-Paj saw Miran pick up her datapad, and enter the next list for Qui-Gon.

Jinn, Master

1 case of bacta
6 rolls of gauze
4 bone knitters
1 tube of hyation ointment
1 injection of sedative

"Simeon, what did happen to Qui-Gon?"

The young man smiled before following Leona and his patient. "Brothel."

An-Paj fell over.


Leona eyed Qui-Gon and Hrothar.

"Someone is going to tell me what he was doing and they're going to tell me now."

"Master Jinn, would you like to explain your injuries? Or perhaps why you have a death grip on a padawan?"

Scowling, Qui-Gon snarled, "Ask him!"

"Would you care to explain yourself, Hrothar, or should I fetch your Master?"

Looking as if he wanted the galaxy to explode at that very moment, Hrothar began.

"Well, I was watching Master Jinn, and he was in a cantina with Master Windu. And he managed to get drunk and catch me following him...."


Hrothar looked over his shoulder to see Qui-Gon gaining on him. //How many times do I have to lose him just to stay ahead? Curse the Force! Get me to the Temple!//

Noticing the darkened doorway in front of him, Hrothar ducked inside followed closely by Qui-Gon. Hrothar ducked inside a closet and brought up his shields just as Qui-Gon entered the hallway.

//He knows I'm here, but by the Force, I won't let him find me.//

Qui-Gon stopped suddenly. Wondering why, Hrothar leaned forward to peer through the crack in the door. He saw Qui-Gon blushing in front of a scantily clad woman.

"May I help you, sir?" The woman eyed his Jedi robes with confidence. She had always believed that eventually the rules of 'the order' would get to one of them sooner or later.

"Well, I uh, you see I was... and...." Bowing Qui-Gon resulted to diplomacy. "Excuse me Miss, but I appear to be out of place. I will be going."

"Don't be ridiculous. No one cares if they work for a Jedi. You're men, not priests. Just tell me what you had in mind and what you wished to spend."

Taking his arm the young woman led him up the broad stairway. Qui-Gon looked like a Nerf being lead to slaughter. //Uh-oh. He's not going to be happy when he finds me...//

Ducking out the door while he still had the chance, Hrothar missed the chance to see Qui-Gon come running down the stairs with 5 women in hot pursuit as he struggled to keep all of his clothes on and their hands away from him.

Tripping down the stairs, Qui-Gon tumbled head of heels and smacked into another 'customer'.

Righting himself with the help of the Force, Qui-Gon bowed, "My apologies Chancellor Valorum. I didn't mean to..." Then the mob descended on him. Chuckling, Valorum wondered if the Jedi was aware of his gift with women, and why he'd come to a place like this in the first place.

//It's not like he'd be turned down.// Shrugging the Chancellor paid and left, leaving Qui-Gon fighting against the onslaught of a dozen high heels and handbags all trying to subdue him.

These Jedi are always so nervous the first time.

Hrothar thought he was home free, right until Qui-Gon spotted him getting on the lift. Sith! That's what I get for checking in with An-Paj before locking myself in my room.


Qui-Gon swallowed hard. Leona looked ready to kill him, and Simeon looked ready to break a rib or three with laughter.

Gesturing to the hand locked onto his ear, Hrothar looked pleadingly at Healer Leona. "Can you make him let go now?"


An-Paj pulled a chair into the screened enclosure known to insiders as the Kenobi ward, and prepared for story time.

"I'm not separating you two until you do some explaining, so you best get started."

Obi-Wan hung his head, and Jemmiah bit her lip and started with the obvious.

"We're stuck."

"I can see that," came the Healer's dry remark.


Obi-Wan settled Jemmiah into his arms. I could get used to this.

"Remind me to steal your tunic more often, Ben."

"Just sew it back together before Qui-Gon gets back."

Jemmiah glanced down at the cloth in her hands and frowned. "Don't get to accustomed to this domestic act paddlewan. I'm Corellian. Our men are afraid of their women."

A few moments passed and the only sound was that of Obi-Wan nibbling on the neck in front of him, interspersed with several colorful phrases each time Jemmiah stuck herself with a pin or needle.

"There. Now I expect you to fix my clothes for me next time."

"You'd have to let me wrestle them off of you then. Turnabout and all."

Standing quickly, Jemmiah pulled the shirt over his head and tied the sleeves over his eyes. Then she began to tickle him. "Use the force now Ben!"

Struggling against the torturous onslaught, Obi-Wan failed to hear the door open over the sound of his shouts.

Finally succeeding in pulling the shirt off of him, and pinning Jemmiah beneath him, Obi-Wan glanced up....

And Qui-Gon was standing there looking down at him. SITH!


Not that tone of voice again.

Letting Jemmiah up, and pulling his tunic back on, Obi-Wan began, "You see Master, it's not what it looks like, we were... we'll... I mean...." SITH.

"Uh, Qui-Gon. Why do you have a pair of stocking over your head?"

Responding to Jemmiah's comment, Qui-Gon reached up and pulled them off. Too late. Jemmiah was already cataloging his injuries... and missing clothing.

Retreating from her efforts to drag him to the Healer's, Qui-Gon fell over Obi-Wan who was still on the floor. Qui-Gon proceeded to knock over the coffee table, and the bottle of model adhesive Obi-Wan had been using.

Jemmiah reached down to help them up...


"And now I'm stuck to him!"

"Do you mind all that much?"


"Alright children. Let me see what I have to separate you two."

<Miran. You had better bring the list in here.>

Rubbing his aching head, An-Paj headed for the storeroom.