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The I.R.S comes to Coruscant
Part Two
By Daphne


Miran tried desperately not to laugh.

Jinn, Master
1 bone knitter
1 concussion bacta kit
3 force restraints - for his young companions
2 cases of adhesive remover - for spice gum

<Master An-Paj, are they always like this?>

<No, Miran.>

Nodding silently, Miran was relieved. "How could anyone survive this constantly?"

Just then An-Paj added, <Usually it's worse.>

Miran fell off the stool.


Giana stood and stretched each muscle slowly. "This is ridiculous. How can two people get in this much trouble and not kill themselves?"

Gritting her teeth and glaring at Healer Leona's smiling face, Giana set out to meet the two most prolific patients in Temple history.


Obi-Wan glanced around nervously one last time. "Are you sure this will work?"

"Of course it will. One of An-Paj's wives gave me the recipe. Mix it up, brush in on your lips... or whatever, and...."

"Or whatever?"

"Well, it depends on what part of you that you want them in contact with. Anyway, as I was saying..." Simon's glare kept Obi-Wan from telling him where he could put that concoction. "After you kiss them, you become irresistible. They won't be able to keep their hands off you."

"Are you sure that's such a good idea?"

"You want Jemmiah jealous don't you?"

"Well I uh..."

"Now hold still."

Bant laughed quietly from her hideout and wondered if the others were enjoying this as much as she was. Clutching her sides as Simon applied what looked like lipstick and smelled like Yoda's gruel to Obi-Wan's lips. //If that stuff works, well I don't even want to think about that.//


Obi-Wan was prowling the halls like a Bantha in heat. As a result, anything and everything female took one look and bolted the other direction.

Simeon couldn't keep himself from laughing to himself and Bant, well, Bant was very happy for her holocam.

Just then, Padawan Giana rounded the corner.

With the expression of a pirna cat about to pounce, Obi-Wan made a beeline for her.


Qui-Gon woke up feeling very much like he had been tossed around by a very mad Wookie.

Miran peered through the curtains at the Jedi Master. //Cute, definitely cute.//

Eyeing Hrothar, she approached him with her plan, and he couldn't agree to help fast enough. After all, if he was going to be doing surveillance, he might have well have something to see.


Obi-Wan sauntered over to Giana, acting very much like the star of a cheap holovid.

"How nice to see you? And who are you?"

Giana eyed the strange padawan up and down. //Cute but weird// she decided.

"I am Padawan Giana. Can you tell me where I might find Obi-Wan Kenobi?"

"Right here." Looking rather pleased with himself, Obi-Wan smiled.

Simeon was bored. Watching Obi-Wan make small talk was not his idea of fun.

<Kiss her and get it over with.>

Leaning forward, Obi-Wan kissed her.


Looking around the hall, he noticed his friend was no where to be seen. Turning around he realized why.

"Jemmiah. Now look, it's not what you think. You see..."

"I love you Obi-Wan Kenobi."

Obi-Wan sighed. //That stuff sure acts fast.//

Sure enough, Giana looked like a love struck pitten with her wings fluttering behind her, and her complexion taking on some definite silver undertones. Jemmiah looked like she was ready to dismember him.

"And what is that you're wearing?" Jemmiah asked pointing at his lips. //He has nerve to deny anything when he's wearing her lipstick!// she thought.

"Uh, nothing." Taking his chance while he could get it, he kissed Jemmiah.

At least, that was the last thing he remembered before waking up at the healers and seeing An-Paj and Simeon leaning over him.

//Sith. Why do I always end up here?//


Qui-Gon came to very slowly. Miran was certain he was muttering something about sith children, but she wasn't exactly sure. She was almost ready to put her plan into action when she heard An-Paj.


Dashing across the ward, she saw... Obi-Wan? Naw, it couldn't be. He'd been here only an hour ago, hadn't he? Now he was covered with scratches. And they looked painful.

Picking up the datapad, she sighed, and began to record the supplies An-Paj and Simeon were using to doctor up the poor lad.

Kenobi, Padawan
1 cold pack
6 bacta salves - scratches
2 pairs disposable tweezers

<Why tweezers?>

<To remove the fingernails.>

Staring at An-Paj as if he'd said something strange, Miran shook her head. Seeing Hrothar motion for her, she knew it was now or never.

//I don't mind if they throw me out of the Temple, really I don't. If I manage to get the pictures though, it will be worth it. The payoff would get me halfway across the Republic. And who says he won't let me do it willingly...//


//Nothing else can possibly go wrong today.//

Simeon was looked definitely uncomfortable. The glare from Obi-Wan was enough to melt carbonite.

"Relax. The girls will be just fine once it wears off. I just wouldn't go near them right now," Simeon reassured his friend.

"What did you do with them?"

"Well... I told one of An-Paj's wives about it, and she convinced him that they needed to be restrained. For your own good."


Simeon decided it was best not to answer that one right away. First he reminded Obi-Wan about the fight that had broke out between Giana and Jemmiah, and how he had valiantly tried to break it up - right until they tried to break him in half. Then he decided to mention what they had been trying to do to him before An-Paj had them restrained.

"I definitely wouldn't hang around those two unconscious again."

Groaning Obi-Wan pulled the pillow over his head. //Will this never end?//


Qui-Gon groggily awoke, realizing first, the he was still in the infirmary, and second, that very attractive padawan was staring at him. No wait, not staring. She was... SITH!


Hrothar grumbled. Soap and scales did not mix. So much for helping Miran have a little fun. That girl was much too uptight anyway. Taking comfort in the fact that even though HE might be scrubbing the floor, Miran was stuck being An-Paj's personal assistant until the end of the Republic.


Adding to the datapad, Miran punched

Jinn, Master
1 gauze wrap

Who knew he would fall out of bed in shock?

Sighing Miran patted her utility belt. The holos were safe anyway. An-Paj hadn't taken them away, he'd only asked for copies. I'm glad, because I wasn't about to part with holos of a certain Jedi Master dressed in a hospital gown - size small. Very revealing.


Qui-Gon gathered his padawan and bustled them both back to their quarters.

"You know, padawan, I get the feeling that the Healer's have it out for us."


Qui-Gon decided on a day like this, there was only one thing to do. Hide. Deciding to remain firmly entrenched in his quarters until Mace came along for their night out, he settled into meditation.


Obi-Wan huddled in his room with Simeon and debated the sanity of approaching Jemmiah before the potion wore off versus after.

Before seemed much safer, but... Obi-Wan was being stubborn. He refused to set foot outside the door.

Sighing, Simeon set off to rescue Jemmiah from the Healer's.


"Aren't they coming out?"

"It doesn't look like it."

Sighing Hrothar rubbed his knees while cursing the hard floors. "Does that mean we should make sure they visit the Healer's soon?"

"Well, An-Paj did say..."

"Great, let's do it."


Simeon approached the bed very slowly. Jemmiah had been pinned down with the Force, while Giana, had been drugged. The disadvantages of being a Jedi.

The closer he got to Jemmiah, the more apparent that she wasn't herself. For one thing, she was chanting "Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan." Over and over again.

Reminding himself that she might react much better if Obi-Wan talked to her while at least some of the potion was in her system, Simeon asked her, "Would you like to go see Obi-Wan?"

Jemmiah's face lit up, and she nodded... and nodded... //If she doesn't stop that, her head is going to fall off.//

Picking her up, and setting her on her feet, Simeon wasn't prepared for what came next. She bolted in the direction of Obi-Wan's quarters. Sith. //How can she be that quick?// Simeon wondered. Then he took off after her.


Qui-Gon wasn't sure if he believed his eyes. Jemmiah and Obi-Wan were rolling around on the floor and Simeon was trying, and failing, to pry them apart.

<Padawan, should I even ask?>

<Please don't Master.>

"Ahem. I'll be with Mace. If you need me, use the com."

"Have fun Master."

//Force, I had best have fun. The day couldn't get much worse. Could it?//