ENTRY ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY THREE:
As usual when something goes wrong or I am feeling unhappy or have been in an argument and Quiggy wants to find out what's bothering me, Ben was sent to my room to see if he could throw some light on it - and find out why I had started to smoke cigaras.
I think I should maybe add that when I was confronted about it initially and Master Jinn asked me why I had been caught smoking, I didn't help my cause any by replying that it was because I didn't hide well enough.
Ben always calms things down. He can walk into a room and people won't feel so hostile. Kryztan says laughingly that's because he's boring.
I kicked him for it.
Mind you, I've seen Ben annoyed too. He doesn't shout but he does seethe quietly away to himself. The thing is when I try calm Ben down it doesn't work so well. Usually coz I'm cracking jokes about the size of Inkerson's pliers or Ferdi's neat line in bed baths. Hey ho! Master Jinn sees Ben as a good role model for me. He thinks he keeps me in line and I suppose that it's true. Whenever he's not there I feel like I've lost my closest advisor, or conspirator…
I told Ben about the cigara episode quite truthfully and with no deviation from the story. There's no need to lie to Ben because I know he won't tell Quiggy who gave me the offending items. As for why I was smoking them, I don't care if he tells him or not. If grown-ups can smoke why can't I? I don't want to be a kid all my life!
It's not like I enjoyed it or anything. Actually I thought it was repulsive. I know Nadine said to try everything three times but I think we shall just take it as read that I don't like them. If Quiggy wants me to promise not to smoke any more I think I could quite easily agree to that without much trouble.
I plucked up the courage to show Ben my navel stud. He was horrified, partly because he said it was barbaric and secondly because it looked very, very infected…and then he said that he was the expert on these things so I should believe what he said. He told me to go see An-Paj but I told him that I couldn't, unless I sneaked out when Quiggy wasn't looking because I'd been grounded.
I don't want another fight with him.
Ben says that if I haven't said anything by tomorrow or haven't seen An-Paj about it, he is going to tell Master J all about it.
I knew he'd do that. Typical blabbermouth of a man!
ENTRY ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FOUR:
Do you think I have the guts to tell Quiggy I've mutilated myself in the cause of vanity?
It's really sore. I'm surprised he's not been in yet to see what's wrong but I just can't make him any more ashamed of me then he is already. Then he won't want me and I'll get sent away. I don't know anyone outside the temple except for Flint. I don't know what would happen if he decided that I was too much trouble…
Why do I never think of these things at the time???
ENTRY ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE:
Master J was leaving to see Yoda about something so Ben took the chance to see how I was.
I was in so much pain that I could hardly move off the bed. Ben was trying to get me to see the healers whilst Quiggy was gone seeing as how I was too scared to admit what was wrong to his face, and even though he tried his hardest to pull me off the bed he gave up coz I started screaming at him to stop.
Well, the good news was that he did stop.
The bad news was that Quiggy decided to come back at that point and heard all the commotion. I think maybe he thought Ben was trying to kill me or something. For example, the conversation went something like this:
BEN: He's not here! Now's our chance! Move!
JEMMY: I can't! It hurts to move.
BEN: I don't know how long he'll be gone! Do you want to get this over with?
JEMMY: Yes, but…
BEN: Look, I'll help you…slide your leg off the bed.
JEMMY: I can't Ben! Stop pulling me about, it hurts!
BEN: I'm just trying to get you up! Put your hand there…
JEMMY: Ben, stop it!!!
BEN: You said you wanted to do this whilst he was away!
JEMMY: I do, but it hurts too much! Please Ben, just go away!
BEN: Look, it's for your own good in the long run! The longer you leave it the worse it's going to be!
JEMMY: (screams at this point, I'm fairly certain) BEN! STOP PULLING ME ABOUT! IT KRIFFING HURTS!
* I think I might well have aimed an ungrateful kick at him, which hurt even more *
BEN: Then how are we going to…
(Enter Master Jinn, stage left)
QUI-GON: What in the seven Sith hells is going on???
I guess at that point I knew the game was up, so I told him that I was feeling unwell and that Ben had been trying to get me to see the healers but that it hurt too much to move. I mean, you can just tell from the above that our conversation sounded just a touch dodgy so he didn't look terribly convinced until I tried to sit up slightly and I screamed.
This seamed to scare the fleg out of the poor man, jedi as he is. He asked me how long I'd been feeling like this and I said on and off for a day. When he asked why I hadn't said anything I reminded him that he'd grounded me in my room. I could just see the guilt on his face and I couldn't really let him take the blame for it, so I told him that I was sorry and that it was my fault I was sick. When he asked me what I meant I confessed that I'd gone and got my navel pierced and that it had gone bad, and that although I'd been treating it the darned thing had got worse.
I think he thought I was winding him up at first. So I showed him it to prove my point.
Strange thing was he never hit the roof like I thought he was sure to do. He gave me a sort of "what did I do to deserve this" look and then called for one of the healers to take a look.
So now I am waiting to get looked at. Ben is standing in the doorway, shaking his head at me as if to say "poor, stupid girl".
And Master Jinn doesn't look terribly happy either.
ENTRY ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY SIX:
I just heard! Gethin's coming to look at me! There is a god, and she's Corellian!
ENTRY ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY SEVEN:
You know, for a healer person Gethin's actually got a gentle touch. Yeah, that sounds a funny thing to say but I can assure you that there are some in the temple that have the delicacy and sensitivity of a rutting Bantha! Not that I'm mentioning any names, although Ferdi Xadaani does spring to mind.
The upshot is that I have an abscess. This sounds horrible, doesn't it? Well you'd be right, although as it is my entire fault I'm determined to endure it as best as I can. It's funny, but it's brought home the fact that I am going to be in and out of the infirmary for possibly years on and off. My immunity is never going to be spot on so I guess I'll just have to suffer.
Gethin wants me to be brought to the infirmary, but he says that as long as I am monitored regularly there's no reason why I should have to stay there this time. I've been given painkillers, anti inflammatory drugs as well as something to help clear up the infection. So I have new puncture marks in my arm now. Still, if you're going to be stabbed you might as well make sure it's someone sympathetic like Gethin that does the deed. He really is rather handsome.
Maybe I've got a crush?
Hmmm, it's a bit difficult to tell. I've never had a crush on anyone before. I've always had to associate with slimeballs and perverts. Can't say there was a single one of them I would have had any real interest in given the choice. Not that I was ever given the choice.
So, I have a crush on Gethin? Is that possible at my age?
I believe it's quite a common thing for the 'damsel in distress' to fall head over heals for her rescuer…mind you that's ridiculous when you think about it, otherwise I'd have developed a crush on Ben and that's not very likely, is it?!?
ENTRY ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY EIGHT:
Quiggy wants to talk to me. Uh-oh.
ENTRY ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY NINE:
He looked so disappointed in me again that I could have cried, but I don't do that sort of thing. Maybe I'm going soft in the head or something. I told him that I was fed up being treated like a baby by everyone and that I thought if I got a navel stud that I might seem more grown-up. He told me that if I wanted to be treated like someone my age I would have to start acting like it. Whilst I deserved that one it kind of gutted me to hear it.
He also demanded to know who had given me the cigaras. I told him that it was one of the masters in the temple. I could tell he didn't believe me, but if he wants to go searching for the wretched man he's got somewhere to work from now. He's struck out all the padawans from his list. That just leaves him with a good few thousand individuals to interview.
Knowing him he'll probably do it.
Oh, and it gets worse. He found the letter that I was supposed to send back with me to my school - the one I'm meant to get signed by my parents saying if they will/won't be attending the exhibition thing that my drawing's part of - and wanted to know why I hadn't given it to him as the deadline was for tomorrow. I replied that, as I didn't have any parents that it didn't seem terribly relevant.
Now I think that's gone and upset him further.
I think that Corellian god I mentioned just did a runner.
ENTRY ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY:
Just woke up from a dream that I had whilst I was dozing. It wasn't a bad one like so many of the others. It was a nice dream, but it managed to do the impossible and make me cry. I dreamt I was in the gardens back home in Corellia, running about the grass. My pet Vampki had got loose and Todd and I were chasing him from the flowerbeds so we could put him back on his leash.
I was so disappointed when I woke up and found out it wasn't real.
Course, Master Jinn is right. How can I be treated like an adult if I do childish things, like bursting into tears? Sometimes it's difficult not to cry but I usually manage it.
Back on Nargotria you learned to keep a tight check on that sort of thing. If you dared to show any sign of emotions the guards would use it to their advantage. You soon learned not to cry.
There's no fun being in a household that's creeping about the place trying to avoid anyone. Master Jinn is still upset with what I said. He never said anything but I could tell it's true. Ben is trying to avoid me because he thinks that it's his fault he gave the game away and that I am angry with him. I'm not.
All I want is someone to talk to.
Still diary, at least I have you. I can tell you anything and everything, as much or as little as I wish. I can tell you that there are days when even after all this time I miss my mother like crazy. Sometimes I feel utterly useless in the temple, like an inconvenience or something. I've often wondered why Master Jinn bothered to volunteer to look after me.
Whatever the reason was I'm sure he regrets it now.
ENTRY ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY ONE:
Ben came in just now when my eyes were all red and watery and my nose was running. He never said anything but he must have seen it. Maybe he'll think it's some pollen allergy to one of Master Jinn's plants?
He asked me if I wanted something to drink as he was making some tea. I don't know what possessed me to say yes coz that means he'll be back in here in a few minutes. I'm desperately trying to tidy myself up and look as if there's nothing wrong with me. I wish I could have hand mirror to see what a mess I look but I'm still too sore to stagger off the bed without it taking me a year to get up without it hurting.
Maybe when he comes back I can talk to him. It's lonely being shut in here with only Snordle and a few friends for company.
ENTRY ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY TWO:
Ben didn't come back with the tea. Quiggy did.
He wanted to know if I was unhappy living here at all. I think that means he wants to get rid of me.
This is one of the worst days of my life. I'm so unbearably unhappy! He's had to go out again to see Yoda - where he was supposed to be going the first time when Ben tried to pull me off my bed - but he says that when he comes back he wants to talk to me.
Maybe I should just start packing now. If I can get off the bed without screaming like a baby.