Simeon Cates

From Lions and Tigers and Padawans, Oh My!
Excerpt by Jemmiah
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“I can still smell burning.” Obi-Wan declared woozily.

Simeon sniffed the air. There
WAS something…

“Yes. Maybe you’re right.” He looked at his friend. “Are you feeling any better?”


“Nevermind.” He bit nervously at his fingernails, a habit he seemed to have picked up from these little dark-force vipers playing around him. "When Master Yoda is through with us, we’ll look back on how we feel now as a happy and positive experience.”

“I don’t think so, somehow.”

Simeon smiled a fraction, although the effort cost him some pain. His facial muscles were spasming every now and again, making him look like he had a nervous tick.

“That’s not that attitude.” Simeon frowned. “Look on the bright side. When Master Jinn and Master Windu are finished with us…”

“There won’t be anything left of us for Yoda to have a go at.” Obi-Wan interrupted.

Sighing, Simeon agreed that it did seem a likely scenario. “Alternatively, Yoda might kill your master first.”

“That’s meant to make me feel better?” Obi-Wan asked miserably, unhappy at causing Qui-Gon such embarrassment.

“No,” Simeon thought for a while, “but it sure as hell makes me feel better.”

“Ohhh, sithhhhhh!” Groaned Obi-Wan, holding his stomach, trying to roll on his side. “I wish I were dead!.”

“I wish you were dead.” Simeon agreed. “You’re doing nothing but moan.”

Kenobi glared. “Some friend you are. Call yourself a healer? You have the bedside manner of a sewer rodent.”

Simeon raised an eyebrow. “How many sewer rodents have you been to bed with? Hardly flattering your present young lady is it?”

“Shut up.” Kenobi groused.

“Temper, temper!” Cates remarked, wishing that horrible taste would leave his mouth. “I must put your current state of crankiness down to overindulgence and severe alcoholic poisoning.” He delved around in his robe. “I have a thermometer somewhere…ah, yes. Here we are.” He dazedly grabbed hold of what he thought was Obi-Wan’s limp wrist. “The bad news is, “ he said eventually, “you haven’t got a pulse.”

“That’s your wrist.”

“Oh.” Simeon reconsidered. “The bad news is that I don’t have a pulse.” He shrugged slightly. “No worries. I’m making medical history as the first dead person to take someone’s temperature.”

“At least An-Paj knows a patient’s wrist from his own.” Kenobi grumbled.

“Just quit bleating, will ya.” Simeon hissed. “I’m going to take an anal reading.”

“YOU’RE WHAT!!!” Kenobi felt himself come fully conscious very rapidly.

Simeon looked surprised. “It’ll only take a moment. It won’t hurt. Not like that time you let Jemmiah wax your chest with those strips of…”


“Awww, c’mon. It’s a question of mind over matter.” Simeon reassured Obi-Wan. “I don’t mind and you don’t matter.”

“You aren’t qualified to fetch the tea!” yelled Obi-Wan frantically.

“I’ve done one of these before.” Simeon said in his defense. “I’ll admit, the patient was a Wookie. It’s not my fault we lost the thermometer…”

“Keep away from me.” Obi-Wan tried to slither away.

“…We got it back eventually. “ He grinned. “An-Paj was on hand with his rubber gloves.”

Kenobi felt himself beginning to hyperventilate.

“Don’t be such a baby. The kids are staring at you.”

“They’ll stare a lot more if you go anywhere near me with that implement.” He gulped, inching backwards.

“Relax, will you? I’ve got it in hand.”

“That’s what worries me!” Obi-Wan began to feel ill again.

“You are such a coward. Just lie back and say “Aaaahhh!”

Simeon made a move forward with the thermometer just as Obi-Wan moved back. Neither of them got very far. Each fell backwards, clasping hands to their heads, eyesight blurred. Obi-Wan felt as if the top of his skull had been sliced clean off and his brain were making a bid for freedom.

“OK” Gasped Simeon. “Bad idea.”

“You can say that again.” Kenobi said. “I feel so strange. One moment I’m fine, and then the next it feels as if there’s an invisible Gundark sitting on my face.”

They sat there, companions in misery, waiting for the world to end.

“I don’t think the sky should be that color.” Obi-Wan said, after a while.

“Hmmm.” Agreed Simeon, closing his eyes. Kenobi was right.

He could smell burning.