Dex Berlingside

From A Night To (Almost) Remember
Excerpt by Jemmiah
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"Have you nearly finished yet?"

"Hush up, will you?"

"How long does it take, for goodness sakes?" Dex grumbled impatiently. "You've been at it for ages!"

"It's important! Now stop putting me off!"

"How am I putting you off?" Berlingside glared at the graffiti on the walls.

"With all your senseless chatter. You were doing it earlier and now you're doing it again." Jinn replied with an edge to his voice.

"I can't help it. I'm bored."

"Look, do you appreciate how difficult it is to concentrate with your inane commentary going on in the background?"

Dex sighed and started picking at his fingernails again.

"I never knew how difficult it was to be a girl." He said casually.

"If you don't shush I will arrange for you to be turned into one. Permanently."

"Temper, temper!" Berlingside flashed his famous grin. "It's true though. It's day creams and night creams and perfumes and face masks and varnish and tweezers and leg wax and eyeliner and…"

"Thank you Madame Sin, I think I got the picture."

"I could never get used to those crotchless panty things."



"For the love of Yoda, SHUT UP!"

"Do you have a problem?" Dex asked.

"Yes. YOU!"

"For stars sake Qui, hurry up! I'm so bored!"

"You're whining like a little child."

"Oh, just hurry up and do what you have to."

A further two minutes passed in silence. Then Dex could stand it no more.

"Are you still…"


"When will you be finished?"

"I must do what I must."

"Fine, can't you do it a bit faster?"

"Dex, that slop bucket is still sitting in the corner. If you don't shut up it is going on your head."


Dex looked around the bare room.

"And no, I'm not playing eye-spy."

"Spoil sport." Dex huffed.

"And if you start whistling I will be up for murder along with indecent exposure."

"Everyone's a critic."

The time continued to drag whilst Qui-Gon remained inactive, leaving Dex to sit on the cot twiddling his thumbs. This was soooooo dull! He hated being cooped up. Sith, he'd almost rather spend his time visiting his old master Quirida-Xac at the infirmary.


"I never realized what a hairy chest you have." Dex said finally.

"Will you be quiet?"

"Only if you hurry up! What is the matter with you for Sith's sake?"

"You are beginning to seriously annoy me." Qui-Gon warned.


"There once was a girl from Naboo
"Who had a revealing tattoo
It said…"


"Ok, Ok!" Dex looked hurt. "I'm just trying to enliven the place."

"Kindly don't."

Dex sulked and pulled his legs up to his chest.

"You always were an old misery."

"I never was!"

"You were! You and Mace used to push me about because you were both older."

"That's a lie." Qui-Gon hissed as he closed his eyes in concentration.

"You've never had a sense of humor."

"I'd certainly be required to develop one if I had to spend any length of time stuck with you." Qui-Gon gritted his teeth audibly. "If we get put in jail I am demanding a separate cell."

"You know, if you're not careful your padawan will start turning into you."

"I'd be more worried about you turning into your padawan." Qui-Gon replied.

"How dare you!"

"How dare YOU, more like!" Qui-Gon snorted. "Kryztan's hardly Mister Virtuous, is he? Considering what he nearly succeeded in doing to my…"

"YOUR what? She isn't your anything." Dex regarded his friend's rigid back. "I think you are jealous of your padawan."

"I think you have said to much." Qui-Gon snapped.

Dex put his hand to his head.

"Sorry." He muttered.

"Sorry." Qui-Gon echoed. "It's this place. It's driving us both mad. But I really DO need to do this, so if you would stop distracting me for the moment…"

"OK." Dex nodded.

"Thank you."

Long silence.

"You've got really big feet, haven't you?"

Dex managed to dodge the slop bucket without much trouble at all as it flew through the air. He parried it with a weak burst of his force powers and sent it hurtling to his right, where it hit an officer who had just deactivated the force barrier…

"You want the good news or the bad news, Qui?"

"Oh, surprise me." Jinn rolled his eyes.

"The good news is that your force powers are slowly starting to come back. The bad news is that your aim isn't."

Qui-Gon turned round in time to see the muck-laden features of Bull Neck as he stood spluttering and fuming.

He remarked, as he spun on his heels and vacated the cell. "The doctor is back. Good luck to you, doc!"

The doctor, a small, greying shock haired man in his early sixties with little pinched nostrils and gimlet eyes motioned with one hand at the tall frame of Master Jinn.

"Is he done yet?" The doctor asked.

"No." Qui-Gon grimaced.

Dex shook his head.

"All this fuss for one tiny urine sample!" he sighed. "The way you carry on you'd think you'd been meditating again! Now get on with it!"