Torture No.1: Meditation.

Meditation is the ultimate padawan torture. It relaxes you, makes you feel tranquil and calm and at one with the force. The act of meditation brings you more in tune with the living force, and it takes a true Jedi to master the ability to meditate when in the thick of battle. Most padawans would, given the chance, prefer to be in tune with a Jizz band and a beer bottle in the local cantina.

For example:

"Concentrate, padawan. Feel the force flow through you."

I wish he'd shut up.

"Empty your thoughts."

I should really have emptied my bladder…these meditation sessions can last for hours and hours.

"Breathe deeply."

I am sooooooooo hungry! I'm being devoured by my own intestines. Did I finish those Takkini chips I found under the bed?

"Relax yourself."

No. Qui-Gon threw them away. He said they thought they were a little too green after all those months…

"Are you concentrating, padawan?"

This is really boring. I'm going mad, I swear it. If asks if my mind is focused I think I'll scream!

"Of course, master."

The Gabali final's on the sports channel tonight. But I might give it a miss. Maybe I'll go to the cantina with Simeon.

"Feel the calmness wash over you."

Oh, stop growling stomach! Whose side are you on anyway?

"Are you sure your mind is focused?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHH!

"Very focused, master. Thank you."

There's a funny smell in here…maybe I should change my socks.

"Pay attention to the living force."

I AM paying attention. What does he think I'm doing? I'm concentrating like nobody's business. I can reach out with the force and I can see…hang on a moment…I can see Jemmy topless bathing on her balcony!

"I saw that, padawan!"

"Master?"

"You weren't concentrating."

"I WAS concentrating!"

"Not on what you should have been."

"Sorry, master."

"Sorry doesn't cut it with me, padawan. I'm afraid I'm going to have to punish you."

"But…"

"You will meditate on the importance of meditation."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



No. 2: Water Torture.

The Jedi place great importance on being able to swim, as did the Sith in their heyday. The preferred method of teaching the darkside youngsters the art of aquatic locomotion was the chuck 'em head first into the waves and quite literally let them sink or swim, thus ensuring that only the best would survive to pick up their Grade 5 swimming certificate and go on to be trained. It possibly gives us the first real clue as to why the Jedi had greater numbers than their dark counterparts.

In some instances this method appears to have survived:

Padawan: "Look, the secret of being a good swimmer is to put your head under the water and open your mouth. Let's all try that, shall we?"

I really hate initiates.

Initiate 1: "OK, padawan sir!"

These kids are so dumb!

Padawan: "You're doing it all wrong! Go back under and don't break the surface until you're blue in the face."

How did I get stuck teaching these squidlings to swim? It's all Qui-Gon's fault!

Padawan: "No you can't take that yellow plasti duck with you. Give it here."

Picks up the toy.

Padawan: "Eat lightsabre, ducky! What's the matter? Don't you want to swim well? Because let me tell you, my helpless young water babies, I am THE best at everything in this temple. You couldn't hope for a better role model…Hey, you holding onto the orange inflatable float?"

Initiate 2: "Who, me?"

Ugh! Little goody two-shoes. Listen to him! Speaks like he's got a silver spoon in his mouth.

Padawan: "Yeah, you. The best way to become a good swimmer in the shortest possible time is to let go of the float and grab hold of this heavy stone boulder, which I just happen to have nearby. You got it kid? Good, have fun!"

Two minutes later:

Mace Windu: "Xanatos, have you seen padawan Kenobi?"

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NO.3: Suffocation

This is a really nasty one. It can range from quick suffocation:

Capt: I only asked Lord Vader how he blows his nose…aaagh..hhhh.hhh….ghhhhhhhhh.

THUD.

Vader: With difficulty, Captain.

Or:

Jemmy: Do you give in?

Obi: Hmmmmmmmmm!

Jemmy: Sorry, what was that? I didn't hear you?

Obi: I can't breathe!

Jemmy: Wrong answer.

Obi: There's no air in here!

Jemmy: Was that a yes or a no?

Obi: I need oxygen!

Jemmy: You can't hold your breath indefinitely, Ben.

Obi: I feel faint…

Jemmy: Just say yes and it'll be all over.

Obi: No!

Jemmy: Right. Fine. I'll just wait here until you break…

Gets out an emery board and starts filing her nails.

Obi: This is torture!

Jemmy: It's supposed to be.

Obi: Pleeeeeeeeeease! Have mercy! I can't stand it! Let me have some air!

Jemmy whistles.

Obi: OK, OK! We'll go and see the girlie holoflic…now give me some air!

Jemmy: Fine. You can let him out of sock basket now, Letina.

******************************

Torture No. 4: Trial by hair.

A padawan hair cut is fairly standard. Spiky at the front, spiky at the sides…well. You get the picture. But his braid is entirely a different matter. Do something horrible to his braid and it's a case of no more Mr. Nice Guy.

Obi: Why can't I have a mirror?

Spider: Coz it'll spoil the surprise, fresher brush head!

Obi: But…

Spider: Who's the expert?

Obi: You are, I suppose.

Spider: Right! So let me get on with my job and stop the whining, you're making me lose my concentration…oh, Sith!

Obi: What?

Spider: Nothing.

Obi: WHAT?

Spider: Really nothing.

Obi: Tell me!

Spider: Er…I might have put on a bit too much color.

Obi: Is that all!

Spider: Well, let's just see how it turns out, shall we. Whilst we're waiting, why don't we play a little quiz game to pass the time.

Obi: OK.

Spider: Right…er, what color do you associate with the sea?

Obi: Blue.

Spider: What is the official planetary color of Florizan?

Obi: Blue.

Spider: What's Jemmiah's fave color?

Obi: Blue?

Spider: What color is your lightsabre blade?

Obi: Blue!

Retreats to the door.

Spider: What color have I accidentally managed to dye your hair?

Obi: Blu…

Spider: It's not my fault! I swear it's not my fault!

Obi: I want a mirror!

Spider: There's no need! It looks very fetching…and it'll wear off in a month or so!

Obi: What about my braid! Please tell me you didn't dye my braid?

Spider: N-no…

Obi: Good.

Spider: It came off in my hands when I was putting on the color…


Torture No. 5: Birthdays.

Temple birthdays are a law unto themselves. One thing is almost guaranteed: nothing will go according to plan.

Example 1:

QUI-GON: Happy fifteenth birthday, padawan. Aren't you going to open your present?

OBI-WAN: Thank you, master.

(Shakes present)

OBI-WAN: Well, it isn't a rock this year because this rattles.

QUI-GON: Damn! It must've broken when I dropped the parcel.

OBI-WAN: You mean it is a rock, master?

QUI-GON: No, it's…

(Thinks quickly)

QUI-GON:…two rocks!

Or

Example 2:

SIMEON: Right, have you got it? We'll push the birthday cake into the centre of the floor. When you hear Jay stamp on the floor with his feet, you jump out of the cake and shout HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Got that?

OBI-WAN: Do I have to wear this thong?

SIMEON: Yes! Remember, this is Jemmy's eighteenth birthday.

OBI-WAN: But it's ONLY a thong!

SIMEON: You want to make her smile?

OBI-WAN: Not at my expense!

SIMEON: Oh, just get in the cake…and don't eat the piped icing round the side. Rela spent ages making that stick on. What with I really wouldn't want to say…

OBI-WAN: OK, OK!

SIMEON: Here goes.

(Obi climbs inside the cake and Simeon closes the top of it, wheeling him towards the refectory)

QUI-GON: …and this is our refectory, Ambassador.

AMBASSADOR: Very interesting. It's not often that one gets the opportunity of looking round such a fascinating place as the temple.

QUI-GON: That just about concludes the grand tour, but I'm sure if you wanted to ask…what on Coruscant?

SIMEON: H-hello, Mmmmaster Jjjinn!

QUI-GON: What's this?

SIMEON: Er…a cake?

QUI-GON: I can see that. Whose?

SIMEON: It's for Jemmy.

AMBASSADOR: My what a big one!

(Looks down at her heel)

QUI-GON: Is something the matter?

AMBASSADOR: No, it's just my stupid shoes. There's something stuck to the heel…wait a moment.

(Bangs twice on the floor with her shoe)

AMBASSADOR: That's better!

(Kenobi jumps up from inside the cake)

OBI-WAN: Happy….??????????

(Ambassador looks him up and down)

AMBASSADOR: Yes, perfectly. Thank you!





But of course, in reality it would probably happen more like this:

OBI-WAN: I wish Jay would hurry up so I can get out of here…

JEMMY: That's amazing! You guys made that for me? It's huge!

(Looks around for a long, sharp knife)

JEMMY: I guess this means I get to cut the cake!



YOU CAN GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT…

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(With thanks to JJ for An-Paj)

Torture No.6 The medical Examination:


You might well be forgiven for thinking that the Jedi, with their faith in the force and great practicality might well shrug off the routine medical as a necessary irritation.

Not a bit of it.

If fear leads to the darkside then the temple is composed entirely of Sith.

Example:

AN-PAJ: Oh, it's been a while since I've seen you padawan Kenobi. When was it now?

OBI-WAN: Three days ago.

AN-PAJ: Ah, yes. The constrictor incident. Any idea how it got loose in the first place?

OBI-WAN: You think I normally sleep with reptiles in my bed?

AN-PAJ: Of course, it's none of my business…

OBI-WAN: It was VERY traumatic! Jemmiah wasn't exactly thrilled either.

AN-PAJ: Didn't she notice?

OBI-WAN: No, she said she thought I was trying to…can we change the subject?

AN-PAJ: Right, let's get to business shall we? Can you read me that sign over there?

(Looks at sign with tiny letters)

OBI-WAN: The end of the world is nigh?

AN-PAJ: And the one over the door?

OBI-WAN: Abandon all hope all ye who enter here?

AN-PAJ: And how about that one?

(Points at distant sign)

OBI-WAN: Not really.

AN-PAJ: Go closer. Go on…that's it.

(Obi-Wan slips and falls on his rump)

AN-PAJ: Can you read it now?

OBI-WAN: Beware wet floor.

AN-PAJ: I love that one. I feel it helps break the ice.

OBI-WAN: It helps break the spine, too!

AN-PAJ: Nothing wrong with the eyes. Now for the rest of you.

(Obi-Wan gulps)

AN-PAJ: Remove your tunic top, please.

OBI-WAN: Must I?

AN-PAJ: It is usual in the case of a medical…where in Sith did you get those scratches?

OBI-WAN: Er…

AN-PAJ: I know! It's one of those things with the bad temper that visit you in the night, throw things round your room and make strange thumping noises that's responsible for that.

OBI-WAN: You mean a poltergeist?

AN-PAJ: No, a girlfriend.

OBI-WAN: Ha ha!

AN-PAJ: You think you've got it bad? Try being married to six women at the same time. I'm lucky I've got any skin on my back at all…

OBI-WAN: What now?

AN-PAJ: I want you to breathe in.

(Places stethoscope on Obi-Wan's chest)

OBI-WAN: Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh! It's freezing! Aren't you s'posed to heat it up first?

AN-PAJ: What, and take all the fun out of my job?

(Listens and turns away)

AN-PAJ: You know, I always like to establish a rapport with my patients, get them on my side, as it were. I mean, sometimes we see each other frequently. Some far too frequently, I might add. But you have to rate as one of my all time favorites. I mean, how many people in this temple have their own ward named for them? Hmm? And have their own bed and their own special pillow? Leona was thinking of having the bed covers embroidered with your name in gold thread.

OBI-WAN: Mmmmmph!

AN-PAJ: And then there's your master. Almost as bad as you. And your girlfriend's had her moments, hasn't she? Remember that time you came into the infirmary glued together? Laugh? I was nearly sick with laughing!"

OBI-WAN: Mmmmmmmmmph!

AN-PAJ: I've heard about being joined at the hip but that was ridiculous!

OBI-WAN: MMMMMMMPHH!!!

AN-PAJ: And there's poor old Qui-Gon trying to make sure you two don't get up to anything naughty during the night…huh? Oh, yes. Breathe out, sorry.

OBI-WAN: Phew!

AN-PAJ: Right. Sit down.

(Grabs Obi-Wan's arm and manipulates it violently)

AN-PAJ: Can you bend that?

OBI-WAN: I used to be able to.

AN-PAJ: Does it hurt when I push the arm back?

OBI-WAN: Now you come to mention it.

AN-PAJ: You'll need some physiotherapy.

OBI-WAN: I didn't before I arrived in here!

AN-PAJ: I'm going to test your reflexes. Hold on.

(An-Paj retrieves a reflex hammer the size of a mallet)

AN-PAJ: Let's see how we do here.

WHACK!

OBI-WAN: EEEEEEYOWWWWWW!

AN-PAJ: That's very good! You nearly took my eye out with that reaction.

OBI-WAN: My knee's broken!

AN-PAJ: Don't be such a baby! Now strip off down to the essentials would you.

(Obi-Wan sighs but does as he's told)

AN-PAJ: Your master tells me you've got an interesting mission coming up in some distant, tropical climate. He asked me to make sure you were inoculated against all the usual nasties. Time for your standard booster injection.

OBI-WAN: Nooooo. That's all I need.

(Standing virtually naked)

AN-PAJ: Oh, I forgot to ask. Can you bend down and touch your toes?

OBI-WAN: What with?

AN-PAJ: Nevermind. Let's get this over with, shall we? I'll try and make this as painless as possible.

(Gets out a hypodermic the size of a Bantha)

AN-PAJ: You won't notice a thing!

OBI-WAN: Aaagh…aaagh..aaaghhhh.

(An-Paj watches as Obi-Wan passes out face down on the floor)

AN-PAJ: That's what I like about this job. Same old familiar "faces"…

***************************



Torture No 7: Food, Glorious Food.

OK. Everyone needs food to survive. It's just that some people seem to need it more than others…

Example:

(Obi-Wan inside a turbo lift with two female Jedi)

Sith! I need something to eat!

JEDI 1: I hope maintenance have repaired this properly.

JEDI 2: Why? What was wrong with it?

JEDI 1: Oh, some of the wiring got done to a CRISP.

Crisps!

JEDI 1: You know what these people are like. They don't care if they get a job done properly. I mean, they said they'd try and fix all the faults and you know, Yoda gave them his best "do-or-DO-NOT-there-is-no-try" speech."

DOUGHNUTS!

JEDI 2: He got caught in the lift JAM the other day. He wasn't happy, having to STEW in here on a hot day.

JEDI 1: I'd hate that. Do you think they've done another FUDGED job on it or is it running smooth and SWEET?

AAAAAAAAAAGH!

JEDI 2: Only one way to tell, I s'pose. But being CHOC full of Jedi can't be good for the suspension.

JEDI 1: Yoda's a sharp COOKIE. He knew how to get them to work.

JEDI 2: How?

JEDI 1: He gave them a lick of his stick.

Liquorice stick?

JEDI 2: Never!

JEDI 1: Seriously, I thought they were TOAST. He could ROAST a Sith with one glare from his eyes could our Master Yoda.

JEDI 2: He has that affect on me. Turns my legs to JELLI.

JEDI 1: He was so smug when they backed down, like the cat that got the CREAM. Well, there wasn't anyone to save their BACON so they got to work straight away on the lift.

JEDI 2: Let's hope that's the end of the ongoing CEREAL.

I'm going to pass out with hunger!

(Kenobi's stomach growls)

JEDI 1: What was that noise?

JEDI 2: Maybe the wiring's FRIED again. Could be scary BUSCUITS time!

JEDI 1: There's just no rhyme n' reason to anything these days.

OBI-WAN: Rum n' raisin?

JEDI 1: Sorry?

OBI-WAN: I thought you said Rum 'n raisin…oh, now I'm beginning to hear things!

JEDI 2: It's young Kenobi, isn't it?

OBI-WAN: Yes.

JEDI 2: I thought so. Your Jinn's padawan aren't you? A regular CHIP off the old block.

JEDI 1: Only a TRIFLE shorter.

JEDI 2: Oh, look…you've gone and embarrassed the boy! He's as red as a DILARBERRIE!

OBI-WAN: I've got to get out now.

JEDI 1: Well, it was nice to MEAT you!

(Runs to his apartment)

QUI-GON: Have a good sparring session with Zac?

OBI-WAN: I won. I must be more in TUNA with the force these days.

QUI-GON: Pardon?

OBI-WAN: Huh? I'd better watch out because Zac's ultra competitive. I have a feeling there may be TRUFFLE ahead. Still, you can't have your CAKE and eat it.

QUI-GON: Are you sure you're OK?

OBI-WAN: Hungry.

(Looks into the living quarters and sees Jemmiah sitting in front of the holoscreen watching the Nargot racing.)

OBI-WAN: I won't be a moment, master.

(Obi-Wan walks over to Jemmy and whispers something in here ear, the expression on her face puzzling Qui-Gon immensely)

OBI-WAN: I'm just going to grab myself something to eat. Won't be a moment.

(Jinn makes his way curiously to Jemmiah)

QUI-GON: What did he say?

JEMMIAH: He said he wants to RADISH me on the carpet! What the heck's that s'posed to mean?
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