Ah, Yes! There's more to poor downtrodden Padawan Cates than meets the eye!

Of course there has to be, because otherwise all people would see was an over-worked, disinfectant smelling, permanently baffled looking apprentice with unmanageable hair and a neat line in freakish toe tricks! Amongst my many - he said modestly - hidden talents are puzzles, word games and anagrams. It would be true to say that I'm rather skilled in this area: I think it's because I don't have a normal brain and I can see things in a naturally skewed manner! Line puzzles? Pah! I laugh in the face of such trivialities. All will bow down and fall before my natural genius!

I'm going to prove my point here by treating you all to a selection of my anagrams all based on the names of our fave Jedi Masters, Padawans and various other temple hangers-on!

Actually, before we start here I'd like to point out that a lot of them are rather…er, dodgy. A little suspect perhaps. I didn't set out to make them on the wrong side of vulgar because as we all know I have not the slightest interest in that kind of thing! No, really! I'm blaming Jemmy for these lapses into bad taste, or at least her flimsy magazines…I was all innocence and sweetness before Obi-Wan showed me her stash of Teenage reading material. Sheesh, some of the things women talk about! It would make a Hutt blush! Not to mention the holo pics that went with it…hang on, I think I'll have to cool off for a bit…

Anyhow, the odd thing I found is that in several cases I managed to find a rather apt selection of anagrams for the individuals, * cough * Master Berlingside * cough *. And without further ado, onto the first individual who just happens to be:

Jedi Master Mace Windu


The one that I thought was rather apt, considering his position on the council and what he does (no, not making growly animal noises with his stomach) was this one here:

Adjudicate wise Mr Men


I mean, he listens to people, doesn't he? He passes a decision upon the poor trembling souls brought before the council. I have to admit however that my personal favourite where Master Windu's concerned is this one here:

Mad Juiced Winemaster


I mean, did you see him at the Cantina Crawl??? Not to mention that rather naughty thing he did with the arm of that statue in the temple gardens. Allegedly.

Of course it's not just about the masters. There's plenty of padawans and the like who make for interesting subjects of the anagram genius. For example, with a little bit of imagination
Padawan Amu-Ned Sequedes becomes:

Addenda means queue swap
Mundane Spades Aqua Weed
Damned Pewee Sauna Squad


I like the last one, he he! Rather fun. And in the same way
Padawan Menali-Jay Abran becomes:

Animal Banana-Jawed Pray


Or just for a bit of variety
Menali-Jay Abran can be transformed into:

Remain Banal Jay

This is kind of apt, much as I admire Jay as a friend and fellow Jedi. He has a rather unique sense of humour and banal does seem to cover it rather succintly! As
Apprentice Menali Jay Abran, one can come up with:

Appreciable manner ain't Jay (Again, this sounds rather typical of the big headed Nerf!)

Maintenance Repair Play Jab
(Having seen Jay sparring and having tended to the odd low-power sabre burn as a result, again I have to say this suits rather well)

Appreciate Jenny Animal Bra (Ah. Yes…I don't know if Jay knows anyone called Jenny, but it certainly wouldn't surprise me. And if she had a bra then he'd almost certainly admire it! Hmmm…maybe if it was Jemmy and not Jenny!)

More difficult was finding something for
Padawan Tanni Welasa. The only thing I could find was:

Annals await dawn pea


Hmmm. If it had been flea then it would have been more appropriate. Sorry, my striped chum! I wish I could have come up with something a little more spectacular for you, but alas, it's always the undeserving that end up with the honours. On that score, here are some exceedingly special anagrams fashioned from Padawan Dull…er, that is to say,
Padawan Garos Hmiol:

Also Own A Diaphragm (No coment)

Who's a Diagonal Ramp (He's dull enough to be one)

I Was Hologram Panda
(Actually, I'm not entirely sure what a Panda is, but Jemmy assures me that it was some kind of mythological beastie that resembled a grossly overweight Ewok or a compacted Wookie)

Hooligan Wasp Drama (I have a strong dislike of wasps)

A Madrigal Pooh Swan
(The imagery is interesting)

A Posh Magnolia Ward (What?!? He can have a cold bed in the infirmary and like it!)

I'd Show Girl Panorama (I'm not sure Maye Klyn would want this to be honest. She seems like a girl of good taste…except for who she's going out with)

Shadow an amoral pig (Again, must be Maye...)

Aha! Old woman rip gas
(Just plain silly, but it appeals!)

I'm a gonads halo warp (Just plain Hmiol)

Has A Prodigal Woman (Again, this must be Maye. I can't see anyone else throwing themselves at him)

Whoops, Anal Diagram
(We'll not go there)

Diorama Shag now, Pal (Again…best not to enquire)

I've not restricted my anagrams to the younger persons. There's some here for
Jedi Master Yaddle, and I have to say that I didn't want to be too naughty here with her, because some people are just so special that they are almost sacred.

Dearest Deadly Jim
(Now - who is Jim? Why is he so deadly? And does Yoda know about him?)

Ladies Dread My Jet (Actually, this was one of the naughtier ones. I left it in because I felt it was too good to leave out, although frankly it does seem more appropriate to some others more than poor Yaddle!)

Maddest Eyelid Jar (Well, woman always keep weird things in jars, don't they?)

Demerits Jade Lady
(She is green, so it's appropriate)

Straddle 'em, Die Jay!
(Tee hee! Nice to find this little Abran related jewel!)

Admire Deadly Jest
(She may look small and full of laughter but don't take Yaddle for granted!)

Of course, one has to be very careful what one says about people, even by way of a joke. I mean, there are thousands and thousands of ones I could have come up with for, say, Rela...but is it worth losing a certain part of my anatomy, one asks oneself? And with that in mind, I have been very careful when selecting the following for
Jemmiah Angeline Gleshan:

Ha! Hell! gem in jeans enigma (As long as they're tight!!! Okay, I'll stop drooling...)

Hellish game an engine jam (Sounds like she's been joyriding in people's aircars again...)

Inhaling James mange heel (I didn't know that James was a nickname for Obi-Wan, but he has got mangy heels housed inside mangy socks!)

Negligee Slammin' Jane, Ha! (Well, Jaina is her pseudonym...and there's been a lot of Negligee slammin from what I've heard!)

Ahem! Mean Hanging Jellies (Well, it's my opinion - no doubt shared by quite a few others - that she has mean hanging jellies! But don't let Obi-Wan hear me say that!!!)

Similarly I'm rather afraid of what a certain smuggler of our aquaintence would do to me if she were to see some of the variations on a theme I have managed to come up with. It's that inventive brain I was talking about before, see? So whatever happens, don't tell
Lilith Demodae that the following selection of beauties all apply to her:

I'm the old ideal (Okay, she's not that old. And she's not exactly ideal...she scares me too much!)

Heated, mild oil (Yeah, but what to do with it...that's the question!)

The dildo, a mile
(Makes your eyes water)

Hell! idiot dame (Not the sort of thing you would dare call Lilith!)

Mild hotel idea
(Lilith strikes me ass fairly imaginative in all walks of life. I hope she's gentle with Jake Jivinan!)

Idle hotel maid
(Along the same lines as the former. I'm still trying to get over the mental picture of Lilith dressed as a hotel maid!)

Of course, you have to be careful about insulting a healer. Especially when you work with them! See what happens when you run
Master Healer Leona P'Lila through the anagram machine that is my mind!

Anomalies parallel three (I think this might refer to the love triangle Master Jinn was once allegedly stuck in!)

Hell! A sane, amoral reptile
(Hey, that's what it came out with! I don't mean I think she is one!)

Hello! Release anal armpit
(Don't knock it 'til you try it. As a healer you get a lot of weird creatures through the doors with orifices in the most unusual places...)

Hot parallel manlier ease
(Hmm...she must be thinking of Qui-Gon again!)

Aha! Alarm loneliest leper
(How do you alarm Hmiol, anyway? Tell him he has to pay for burning down a cantina...)

Then there are two other lovely ladies who once competed for the favours of the mighty Qui-Gon Jinn! Firstly, the popular
Master Vernice Ashdal. If I'm not nice to her then Tanni will rip off my head and use it as a light fitting, so I'm treading a dangerous path on this one, too!

Credentials Save Harm (Vernice likes to show her credentials upfront).

Slaver At Merchandise
(Yes. I'm sure that Master Jinn did just that!)

Scale her Maidservant
(And probably would have done this as well if she'd actually had a maidservant!)

Sad Reverential Chasm
(I would happily have worshipped at the temple of Master Ashdal had we been of a similar age...nevermind! Tanni wouldn't be thrilled to hear my comments regarding his master. It would be like telling your best friend you want to sleep with his mother!)

Males Had Transceiver
(Quite probably. Again I'd want to share the gory details!)

Smash a Red Cantilever (An interesting word formation if of no other relevance)

Headmaster Snarl Vice
(Hmm...I'm thinking naughty thoughts here. Mostly involving school girls, uniforms and canes!

Sh, Sad Irrelevant Mace
(Would have worked if only there had been an extra 'h' for the shh part. I wonder if Master Ashdal has a middle name? Harriet, maybe?)

Matriarchs Need Salve
(Yes, I've heard that.)

Sad Serviceman Lather
(Amazing what you'll do when on a mission for the council...)

Advertise Carnal Mesh
(In my dreams...)

Then of course there's the little matter of Sal-Fina. Now, I'm not even going to bother being nice here because I don't believe she particularly deserves it. So, without further ado here are the naughty numbers for
Master Sal-Fina Falmar:

Farm Fan Material Lass
(An apt description. Although I don't think Coruscant Blue was set on a farm)

Alarm if Salesman Fart (Well, there would be, wouldn't there?)

Rifleman Fatal Ass Ram
(Indeed)

Alas, Mrs Lament Affair
(As I'm sure she did when she split up with Qui-Gon!)

Affirm Altar Man's Sale
(She'd get a thrill out of that, I'm sure!)

Then of course, there's Master Berlingside. What can you say about the man? Part Jedi, part Corellian sex-diety with maybe just a hint of renegade thrown in...few ladies can resist his charm. None of them seem to make an effort to do so, anyway. That's why, as I said earlier, that these ones for
Jedi Master Dex Berlingside are so utterly appropriate!

Jeers Sex-Mad idle inbred git (No comment. Unless of course Minty's casting aspersions!)

I'm sex-based, idle jet grinder (This is the best one!!!)

I jeered mid X-rated glibness
(Although this one is good, too!)

Sex-mad jester in idle bridge
(Yes, well I've heard you can make your body into all sorts of weird positions if you have a mind to do so!)

Jingle sex-mad deriders bite
(They probably do, but I've not found this out for myself yet. And at this rate am never likely to, either!)

Relaxed brides demising jet (I'm sure they all miss him when he leaves...)

On to another scary person this time. Now, I have nothing against him whatsoever. That's why I have to stress that I don't actually agree with the insulting level of the anagrams below. I want to make that quite clear. Absolutely. 100%. So, before Thom Capella runs to his master and tells him I think he's a...well, nevermind. Here are the ones I came up with for
Jedi Knight Barin Truthfinder:

Grrr! Junk that inhibited fiend (I don't mean it, honest!)

Grr! Daft, un-inhibited, thin jerk
(I really don't mean this one!)

Undid bright fart in the jerkin
(No comment)

Poor Padawan
Olrin Tallis doesn't do much better, I'm afraid:

Isn't oral ill? (He's too young to know this)

Trail ill son
(He's too young to have a son)

Still no liar (This one at least seems like a reasonable description of a hardworking young boy. For a gardener, that is)

Slain I'll rot
(Hmmm...that's just not nice)

And what could I possible have to say about my fellow temple-dwelling associate Padawan Liara Khe?

A naked pariah law (it was the best one I could come up with. Hopefully she won't hit me!)

And as for Knight Yu Martuf:

Taught Funky Rim

Tug My Fruit Hank (That brings tears to the eyes!)
Thank My Fit Guru

Knight Nessa Menel-Luin has an interesting selection to choose from:

Thankless Nine-Mile Gnu (but what to do with it???)
Eighteen Nuns Slam Link
Entangle Hunks In Slime (Actually this sounds a bit like that dream I had the other day involving Rela, Jemmy and Spider and a small swimming pool full of pink custard...actually I don't think I'd better make that one public).

Then there's the lovely
Padawan Meri Irhanah. You can't help but love Meri. Thing is, the anagrams don't seem to love her!

Ah, New Hairpin Drama (She has got nice hair!)

Hand War Harpie Mania (And she is good at combat, although calling her a Harpie is more than my life is worth)

I'm a jaw, hindered piranha (Nor does she resemble a fish...just that I found the anagram quite witty!)

Rapid jam when in airhead
(This sounds more like Meri's attitude to Junine and Ambianca)

Ha Ha! Jar dried inane wimp
(I don't know who she'd think this was. Me, probably...)

And of course, there is the matter of leaving the best until last...to whit me! I mean, I just had to try it out for myself, didn't I? And here is what I came up with for the delectable, loveable
Padawan Healer Simeon Cates:

Wearisome and pleasant ache
(He he he...)

He's a maniacal, desperate, now
(Well, I am pretty desperate. Desperate to get out of changing Quirida-Xac's sheets!)

Wearisome, anal and cheapest
(Hey! Did I really say that about me???)

Oh Dear Me! a new, special Satan (I gather in some cultures that Satan is some kind of devil or something. Should I be pleased to be thus honoured or rather insulted that my brain came up with this!?!?)

Whole ascertained as apeman
(I just don't seem to be able to get a break, do I? Even I'm turning against me!!!)





Anagrams, Simeon-style!
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