| ***** "Right." An-Paj looked up from the notes he was studying, "who have we got next?" Ferdi Xadaani raised an eyebrow. "Not Kenobi?" An-Paj mumbled in disbelief. "He was only in here last week!" "Nope. Next best thing- his partner in crime." "Jemmiah." An-Paj stated resignedly. "We haven't had her in since that concussion business." "Operation fountain, I believe was your code name for the affair." Xadaani smiled. "That Cantina-thing was a bit of a lark, wasn't it?" "Mace Windu wasn't smiling." Grinned An-Paj. "If only he knew that we still have the holos from that momentous occasion." He wiped a tear of laughter from his eyes. "What's the girl done now?" They walked out into the corridor, deftly avoiding padawan healer Dimallie, who sat scrubbing fruitlessly at some stain on the floor, amidst a large amount of debris which might once have been bedpans and specimen jars. "I thank my blessings that Kenobi never took up with Leona's padawan," he said fervently, "because I'd really hate to see any offspring they might eventually produce. Do you think accident-prone genes are something you're born with, like midi-chlorians?" Ferdi laughed. "Jemmiah's through there. She seems to have damaged her hand, somehow." She looked towards the far entrance as if prompted by the force. "I asked her how it happened, but all she would say was that she ran into something heavy and dense..." An-Paj followed her eyes to the doorway in time to see Simeon Cates urging, no, dragging a protesting figure through the doorway. "Kenobi." An-Paj folded his arms. "I'd say you've found your heavy, dense object." "True love never did run smoothly." Xadaani pursed her lips in contemplation. "Some of us have to suffer it six times over." He joked. "I'll see what the damage is." Xadaani ignored the reference to his multiple wives. An-Paj agreed. "Whatever it is, that girl must have a powerful right hook." ************************** "Do you want the good news, or the bad news?" Letina asked as Jemmiah sat waiting to be treated with Bacta soaked bandages. Her hand was severely bruised, but it seemed that nothing had been broken. In truth, she felt rather silly coming down here in the first place. "Do tell." The sarcasm dripped into her Corellian accent. "The good news is that our 'Naughty Nell' Agony Aunt thing has caused a REAL stir around the temple!" Letina sat on a chair next to Jemmiah. "It's proved to be exceptionally popular. Everyone is talking about it!" "Good." Jemmiah smiled. "I knew it was a good idea." She stared at the brown haired girl, suddenly uneasy. "What's the bad news?" "Some of the Council members have apparently said it was a disgraceful misuse of temple resources, and they've decided to try and hunt the culprits." "But you said it couldn't be traced back to us!" Jemmy's eyes widened in concern. "Sith! Evla will ground me for ten years if she finds out!" "Relax. I told you." Letina tried to calm her down. "Things are very slow in here today, and An-Paj says you can go home as soon as he's bandaged your hand. Want to dispense some more advice to our audience?" "You bet!" Jemmy was defiant. "If I'm going down on a sinking ship, the only salute I'm giving is of the two fingered variety." "Good!" Laughed Letina. There was a cough from outside. "Come in Simeon." Letina smiled. "Is it safe to come in? She isn't going to hit us, is she?" Cates joked, waving a white handkerchief around the curtain. "Ha ha!" Jemmiah winced. Simeon entered the private cubical first, followed by a rather apologetic looking Obi-Wan. "I'm sorry my head collided with your fist." He offered miserably. "Is it broken?" She asked hesitantly. "What, with my track record? Did you expect anything less?" He shifted uncomfortably. "Sorry." She mumbled. "What was that?" Frowned Obi-Wan, ear to hand. "Yeah, OK. Sorry." She repeated louder. "Will you be alright?" "It's been fixed." Kenobi muttered. "I just have to walk around with this artificial Bacta beak on my nose for the next twelve hours." "It's very fetching." Jemmy said before convulsing in laughter. "If you're hungry, I've got a plate of millet somewhere around..." "You just wait until I'm better." Kenobi breathed. "And I'm still going to kill him." He added. ************************* Qui-Gon and Leona had just settled down beside one another on the couch when the door chime wrung. I wonder who that is, thought Leona? Sith! Thought Qui-Gon. Sighing irritably, he stood up and walked towards the door, which slid back to reveal the excited figure of Mace Windu. The dark Jedi bounded into Qui-Gon’s apartment without even stopping to enquire what sort of day his friend had had, or whether or not it was convenient to be there in the first place. "Have you heard about this Agony Aunt thing?" Windu asked breathlessly. "He looked up and caught sight of Leona sitting quietly and demurely on the couch. "Don’t mind me." He waved at her. Qui-Gon frowned at him. "If it’s what I think you’re saying, then yes." He glanced over at his date. "I had a quick look at my holo connection before Leona arrived." "The council aren’t very happy." "I thought YOU were the council?" Jinn smiled briefly. "Don’t be silly, Qui. Yoda’s the council." Mace smiled. "They’re all up in arms about it." "What do you think?" He reluctantly pointed at a comfortable looking chair and indicated that his friend should sit down. "It’s just kids having fun." Windu shrugged. "Personally, and strictly off the record, I think it’s a great idea. The possibilities are endless." "What do you mean?" Leona looked confused. "What is all this?" "Someone in the temple has set up an untraceable service as an agony Aunt. To give people a chance to talk through any problems they might have on a one to one basis." "Are they qualified to give this advice?" Leona demanded. "I think that’s what has got the other council members so steamed up." Mace said. "That and the fact that all the kids and padawans in the temple are sitting glued to their holo connections in an attempt to think up the most ridiculous questions possible." He sat back with an eerie gleam in his eyes. "So why don’t we?" "Sorry?" Jinn was bemused. "Why don’t we think of a question to ask? Let’s see if we can’t trip the little pranksters into giving away who they are." "How?" Leona began to take interest. "We each pick people in the temple and think up a problem they might have. Say Quirida-Xac and his everlasting haemorrhoids. Or Yaddle and her turbulent love life." He eyed Qui-Gon. "Or Depa Billaba…" "That’s immoral, and not befitting the Jedi code." He sniffed. "You’re right." Mace paused. "Are you in?" "And miss the chance to even a few scores with people in the temple? Oh, you bet I’m in." "Me too." Leona took courage at being amongst such eminent fibbers. "There are some people in the infirmary I can think of who are just asking to be taken down a peg or two." "Then it’s thinking caps on, guys. Let’s make it realistic." He grinned at Qui-Gon, before they both chanted in unison: "But above all, let’s make it GOOD!" ***** Mace Windu sat in front of Qui-Gon's holo connection, Qui-Gon and Leona hanging over each shoulder. "Alright now!" Mace rubbed his hands together enthusiastically. "Let's see what kind of question Uncle Mace can come up with for Agony Aunt." Hunched over the keyboard, Mace began to type furiously. Leona stood behind Mace, side by side to a much taller Qui-Gon. Bending forward, one hand resting on the desk next to Mace for support, Qui-Gon placed a casual arm around around the healer, resting it lightly around her waist. Glancing over the top of Mace' domed head, Leona cast a demur peek at Qui-Gon turned her way with a warm, half-quirked smile. Quickly turning away, an evident smile coming to her lips, she took a small step closer to the large Jedi. "That should get us some results, even if I say so myself." Mace announced triumphantly, sitting back in the chair, finished with his task. Leona read it over, then gazed at Mace with a bemused look. "Split ends? Really now Mace. The only results you can expect from that is laughter." She read the paragraph aloud. Dear Naughty Nell, I have a particularly taxing problem. I suffer from a dreadful case of split ends and being that my body is covered in long luxurious hair I find myself having to spend hours defrizzing my hair just so I don't look like an overgrown tribble. Then there's the added problem of the amount of static electricity it creates. I find I'm constantly shocking everything and everyone I come in contact with. The other Council members always complain of finding strands of my hair in the most unusual places, especially during the time I shed. Please help me with my problem. Oppo R. "How do you expect something like that to flush out the little Dagoban weasels responsible for this?" "If you think you could do better, then be my guest." Mace challenged, holding his hands out to the holo terminal. Qui-Gon wore a wide grin at the dare. Seeing it, a devious smile crossed the healer's face. "Ok, move it." she told the brown-skinned Jedi master. "Let me show you how it’s done." Relinquishing his seat, Mace glanced at Qui-Gon who was equally surprised by the normally shy woman's acceptance. "You've got to use your imagination." she said beginning to hit the keys in rapid succession. "It's got to sound realistic, like a serious problem. Something out of their adolescent capabilities that will lead them to reveal themselves by their belief." Dear Naughty Nell: I suffer from a serious addiction to a very natural act. Being a Jedi I'm fully aware of the need to control emotions and desires, for this reason I have managed to remain abstinent for a good many years. Recently I've been seeing someone whom I'm very fond of and fear that involvement in a relationship may prove hazardous to his health. I'm a very exhausting individual and though this friend is big and powerfully built, I'm afraid pursuing a friendship with me may prove fatal. As much as it pains me to admit my last friend did not survive the relationship. I don't know where else to turn. H.L. Mace stared at the screen with bulging eyes, his mouth hanging open. Nudging Qui-Gon, he winked lasciviously. "Tell me Leona," Mace asked with a smile that spanned his entire face, "is this imagination or reality?" Getting up from the chair, she reached down, pressing the send button. Looking at him with a small smile, Leona answered, "Wouldn't you like to know?" and walked away from the holo connection. "I'll make some tea while we wait for a response." she said leaving the two men to look at the screen once again then each other. ***** Simeon and Letina made their lone way back to the healers. Jemmiah was still waiting to get her hand seen to, and Obi-Wan had decided to stick with her in the hope that the wounded might be able to offer succor and comfort to each other in whatever way possible. That had proven to be a laugh, Simeon thought happily. The sight of Kenobi trying to kiss and make up with a large Bacta beak on his snout had almost taken away the lingering memory of all those bedpans… With the promise of following them back in due course, they had sloped back to Jemmiah’s place and let themselves in. "You make a start on cleaning the blood from the carpet." Simeon seated himself by the still activated terminal. "Why?" Frowned Letina. "Because it looks like a murder scene." Simeon answered. "No, I meant why me? You’ve got two arms as well." "Well." Simeon shrugged. "I mean, it’s obvious isn’t it. You’re a woman…" Before he knew it, Letina had whipped him off his feet, hands on collar, and held him just a few vital inches away from the red stained carpet. "Men bleed VERY easily, don’t they?" Simeon swallowed. "I’ll clean the carpet, shall I?" "Sensible boy." She released her hold on him and stalked over to the holo terminal. She studied the messages, open-mouthed. "Oh, I have GOT to do this one!" **************************** Leona came back armed with a tray laden with mugs of steaming hot stim-tea. She listened, amused, as she heard the two Jedi master s excitedly discussing their next campaign of terror. "Let’s make this REALLY good." Mace rubbed his hands together. "Why not pick one of the padawans?" "Like?" Jinn prompted. "I don’t know. How about your padawan? Or Simeon Cates, Dimallie or Ambianca?" They grinned at each other suddenly. "Sal-Fina!" both chorused together in glee. "Why not go for the icing on the cake." Qui-Gon smiled. "Who?" "Jemmiah." "It’s more than my life’s worth." "What? You coward!" Jinn taunted. "She’ll kill us." Windu warned, not looking unduly frightened. "I’m not scared." Qui-Gon responded. Mace thought about it. "Ok. Jemmiah, Obi-Wan and Sal-Fina, and anyone else we can come up with." "Done." Qui-Gon shook his friend’s hand. "Aren’t you going to read your reply." Leona smiled, as she looked round Qui-Gon’s broad shoulder at the screen. "Whoa!" Mace said. "Let’s see what advice has been dispensed to the afflicted." They all sat down with their hands round their mugs, reading the answer. Dear Oppo R, This is all very distressing for you, I’m sure, but help is at hand! What you need to do is invest in several pairs of ladies silk stockings and sew them together. It will reduce the static wonderfully and will prevent hair loss. When you walk, there will be only a minimum of friction. You need never be afraid to shake someone by the hand again for fear of shocking anyone. But I would be very careful if you should ever find yourself walking into a bank incase they mistake you for an undesirable customer… Don’t concern yourself with the amount of hair you’ve got, or if it falls out from time to time. You should be grateful that it grows back in. It doesn’t always happen; there are certain persons on the council who can testify to that. Most females find hairy males very exciting. That would also explain why certain members of the council don’t have a good track record in the romance department. Finally, if things are getting too much for you and those split ends are getting you down, why not try something else. How about an all over body wax? Yours follicley, Naughty Nell. PS, If the other council member’s find your hair in their crevices, I’d say it was a case of bad housekeeping on their part. Qui-Gon and Leona sat quaking with laughter, silent tears streaming down their faces. Mace stared at the screen as if it had just personally declared war on him. "What!" He yelled indignantly. "What does it mean, ‘not a good track record in the romance department!’ I do very well thank you!" "Calm down, Mace." Jinn slapped him on the shoulder. "Stress can give you grey hairs. Not that it’s a problem where you’re concerned!" "There’s something going on here that I can’t put my finger on." Mace growled. "It says body wax. You don’t think…" "Jemmiah?" Qui-Gon finished off for him. "No. She’s pulled some stunts in her time but I can’t see her trying this sort of thing." "There’s the other one." Leona said smugly, enjoying the show. "Let’s see what sort of reply MY letter got!" Dear HL, If you’re afraid that you are too young and passionate for this individual, please do not feel that your relationship is necessarily doomed to fail. Would I be right in thinking that this individual is somewhat more advanced in years than you are? Not to worry. There are still many less physical and just as exciting hobbies that you can take part in together. Take skittles, for example. Not as energetic as Bolo-Ball, and provided his knees don’t pack in when he bends over, this would be a great way of enjoying your few remaining years together. Tiddly-Winks is another good one. That takes even less effort. And when his memory gives up completely through senility, you can play hunt the slipper! If this seems too strenuous for both of you, just take comfort with being in each other’s company, and being there to pass him his dentures in the morning. Yours wizendly, Naughty Nell. Qui-Gon sat and fumed. Mace and Leona sat and howled. "Slipper’s on the other foot, eh, old boy!" Windu crowed. Jinn narrowed his eyes. "Someone knows who we are." He frowned. "But who?" He put his fingers to the keys once more and typed furiously. "This is WAR!" Qui-Gon wracked his brains for all of five seconds. Dear Naughty Nell, I am having a lot of problems with the Healers. I seem to spend my entire life in the infirmary, and if it’s not me with my leg in a sling then it’s invariably my master. This is beginning to affect my love life, as you can imagine. It’s very difficult to kiss someone when your head is swathed in bandages. Sometimes, there’s not an inch of me that’s not in plaster (yes, I mean literally). My girlfriend says whilst most men smell of aftershave, I smell of Bacta, and that I’ve been patched up so often that she’s afraid she might cause me some permanent damage. She also says that she won’t have a shower with me because I’ve got more perforations than a sponge. I hyperventilate at the very thought of a hypodermic, or even a thermometer. It brings me out in a nasty rash all over (which means I have to go to the healers) and my girlfriend doesn’t like that much. I’m beginning to wonder if the Healer’s have me marked out as a laboratory specimen. They’ve even unofficially named a ward after me. The last time I was whisked in after a ‘water related incident’ there was a sign hanging on the end of the bed with my name written on it- and ‘welcome back’ underneath! My medical bills are proving extortionate to say the least and shares in Bacta have trebled since I became a padawan! Please help me Naughty Nell, you’re my only hope! OWK. It struck him that perhaps he was being just a little bit unfair to his padawan, but then he mentally shrugged with indifference and pushed the thought aside. He wanted to see the reply his letter got. It might prove very revealing… The further worrying thought stuck him, that if Leona ever found out that he had sent a letter earlier regarding their fledgling relationship, she would do something Sithly to him with a pair of tweezers… **************************************** "I’m sorry, Ben." Jemmiah looked at her boots. "I guess I didn’t realize my own strength." "I’ll say." Kenobi retorted. "What am I going to say to my master when he sees me like this?" "I thought you liked me to be rough with you." She joked. He glared. "You really owe me for this." He pointed at his nose. "It’ll heal just fine. Another ten or so hours and you won’t even know you’ve broken it." "Ten hours too long." He groused. "If one more person comes up to me to ask if I want a piece of Corellian Cuttlefish, I am going to scream very loudly." He stopped as they rounded the corner to her flat. "Think we’ve got any surprises waiting for us on the Holonet?" He grinned. **************************************** The surprise was not one that Obi-Wan took very kindly too. "But that’s ME!" He waved his hands impotently at the screen. "I’m glad you recognized yourself." Jemmy added dryly. "How…how is this possible? Someone’s having a laugh at me!" "Yes, us!" Simeon grinned. "Calm down, Obi." "Calm down? This is positively slanderous and he says ‘calm down’. I don’t believe it!" "It’s only slanderous if it’s not true, Ben, and sadly it is." Jemmiah sighed. "Who could be doing this?" "I don’t know." Kenobi frowned deep enough to crack his face in two. "But I am going to find out if it kills me!" Jemmiah sat down to reply: Dear OWK, Having your leg in a sling is not good as it’s more difficult for the blood to pump to your lower extremities, although some people would quite like the idea of being tied down to a bed in bandages. Does your girlfriend know that the plaster on your master’s leg is affecting your love life? Kissing someone swathed in bandages can sometimes be a bonus, especially if you want to forget what they look like… When you say there’s not an inch of you that isn’t in plaster, I hope you were not referring to specific measurements. For your sake. There’s nothing wrong with patching a much loved and well-worn object. Just remember that well-worn objects tend to get discarded sooner or later in favor of something a little less threadbare. You can only darn a hole so often before the original sock disappears. It sounds as if you have a few toes poking through already… If your girlfriend gets fed up with the rash, she can try joining the dots. That should keep her mind (and yours) off your skin problem. Until the next time you turn into a walking pustule. It’s better to have a ward named after you than a tombstone. And don’t worry about being seen as a laboratory creature. I’m sure they’ve seen many specimens in the infirmary. What water related incident? Did you persuade your girlfriend to have that shower after all? If you are worried about medical bills: DON’T. You could be dead tomorrow. Hope you are well, Naughty Nell. "You can’t put that!" Kenobi gasped as he read over Jemmiah’s shoulder. She pressed the button. "I just did!" She smiled. ************ Qui-Gon sat and read the reply with total astonishment. Well, he thought, whoever wrote that it certainly was NOT Obi-Wan. He had considered that possibility, but knew that there was no way his padawan would write something like that about himself. The boy did have some pride. And the bit about the shower was artistic license. He hoped. If he ever caught the pair of them together in a situation like that, it would take more than An-Paj to stitch him back together again afterwards… "What now?" Mace grumbled. "We’re no further forward to catching them out than we were before." "Let’s do Jemmiah." Qui-Gon said finally. He knew that he’d said earlier to Mace that he reckoned the Corellian girl was innocent of this particular crime, but something pricked at his fingers. Perhaps the force was trying to tell him something. Dear Naughty Nell, I am having trouble with my boyfriend. He has the most disgusting habits! For starters, he snores. Like all men he denies this, but he most certainly does! He doesn’t change his socks for the best part of a week. He also eats non-stop like a total Gamorrean and drains his Master’s supply cupboards within minutes. When he eats he gets most of it all down his front. He also has a disturbing fetish for uniforms (especially the school variety). I’m beginning to worry about buying him that holocam he asked for on his birthday. I mean, you read such strange things about people. When I said that I fancied something in leather for my birthday, I didn’t expect to see him tied up in a bow wearing a thong! And when he mentioned making our relationship more binding, the gift of the fur lined wrist manacles was not quite what I expected. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve hooked up with a bit of a pervert! I would appreciate your advice before he manages to untie himself from his chains. Yours, JG. "Sith! They don’t really get up to that sort of thing, do they?" Windu chuckled. "Do you really think I’d let them?" Qui-Gon replied. Leona gulped. Now would not be a good time to mention the recent incident in the cantina cellar on top of the games table... It was Jemmiah’s time to gasp in amazement. "I don’t believe this!" She yelped as if scalded. "I would never say anything like that about you." She looked affronted. "There’s no way, Ben…except for maybe that bit about the socks." She paused. "And possibly the food. The rate you shovel food away is incredible. Where it all goes to I don’t know. It’s like watching a Sarlacc or something." "Thanks." Blinked Obi-Wan. "And you do drop crumbs everywhere." She added. "What, is this national ‘Let’s have a go at Obi-Wan’ day and I wasn’t told about it?" He frowned at his girlfriend. She looked at him in surprise. "You’re getting really tetchy in your old age." She said finally. "Great. I’m tetchy, messy, greedy AND unhygienic. Anything else you want to add whilst you’re at it?" Kenobi bristled. "Uh-oh." Letina sighed, "they’re at it again." "And I’ve just put the carpet cleaner away!" Simeon replied. "I just happen to agree with one or two points in this letter." Jemmiah shrugged. "Somebody knows you VERY well." "In that case, why didn’t they say that you were a nymphomaniac, flirtatious, Corellian streetwalker." Obi-Wan burst out. The room went deadly silent. After a pause, Jemmiah stalked out the room and slammed the door that led off to her bedroom. It was followed shortly thereafter by the sound of something being smashed against the wall. "I didn’t even mean any of that." Obi-Wan was stunned. "Are you going to go in there and tell her that?" Simeon gulped. Obi-Wan fingered the Bacta beak on his nose. "Maybe I’ll let her cool down a bit first." He replied. "Good." Simeon said. "Just make sure all the sharp things in this flat are under lock and key before you do it." "That was a REAL argument!" Letina whistled. "It must be love, Obi." "Love doesn’t stop people from murdering each other." Kenobi mumbled, eyeing the screen. Well, whoever you are, I just want you to know that you’ve probably managed to split up my girlfriend and I. "Simeon, you do this one. I’m going to work on my apology speech." "You think you’d have it off pat by now." Cates suggested. "I’m refreshing my memory." He stared towards the direction of Jemmiah’s room, where an eerie silence now prevailed. "I may be some time." He muttered. |
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