Notes: The following people all contributed to the story: *Daphne *Healer Leona *Jedi Kylenn *Jemmiah *Lady Jedith *Sith Abigail *Wampy Thank you to everyone who has worked so hard on it or offered encouraging comments. You know who you are. ***** "Would you like to explain that one to me again?" Kenobi’s expression became incredulous. Jemmiah elected to use a sheepish expression. "It’s just a bit of a laugh, Ben. Outwith my study hours." "Let me get this straight." Simeon rolled onto his back and stared up at the sky. "You are telling me that you have decided to become the temple agony aunt." "Yup." The Corellian girl nodded. "If it’s broken, I’ll fix it. If it ain’t, I’ll break it and then put it together again." She winked at Obi-Wan. "What makes you think that anyone’s going to be interested?" Kenobi smiled, picking a blade of grass from the lawn in the temple gardens and chewing it lazily. "People ALWAYS have problems." Jemmiah replied. "Sometimes it helps to talk to someone. It could be a complete stranger. Just talking is therapeutic. And I’m sure there are plenty of screwed up individuals within the temple who are just aching to tell all their troubles to Auntie Jem." "You can’t call yourself Auntie Jem!" Kenobi spluttered with laughter. "We’ll have to think of a name for you. How about ‘Naughty Nell.’" "Yes," Simeon grinned, rolling his black padawan braid between his fingers, "that has possibilities. ‘Naughty Nell’: the shrink from hell!" "Cheers, Simeon." Jemmiah batted him on the head. "Ouch!" Cates rubbed his hurt cranium. "I think you’ve got a secret masochistic side to you, Obi-Wan, for you to go out with this Sithcat. How do you survive all the bruising?" Kenobi grinned. "She’s just being playful, aren’t you Jemmy?" He scratched her under the chin as if she were a tame feline. "All hiss and no claws." "I wouldn’t say that." Muttered Simeon. "And just as fond of cream. Or should that be trifle?" Obi-Wan laughed before he fell under Jemmiah’s onslaught of pinches. "What’s the big attraction, anyway? Why do you want to do this? Out of the kindness of your heart?" "I’m studying psychiatry." Jemmy smiled. "I thought it would make an interesting experiment." "And?" Obi-Wan asked. "And what?" "There’s a definite ‘and’ coming on. I can tell." He folded his arms. Jemmiah shrugged, the sunlight reflecting off her chestnut hair. "I thought it might be fun if we got a little group together. A consortium. We could take it in turns to write the replies to the questions we receive." Her eyes lit up. "Just think of all the fun we could have trying to guess who the messages came from!" Simeon pounded his hands against the grass with laughter. "Can you imagine," he said after recovering his breath somewhat, "Healer Leona writing us a letter? ‘Dear Naughty Nell, I have this height problem. The person I am seeing is far too tall, and I am really short in stature. I know they say that size isn’t everything, but having a romantic conversation with somebody’s navel is beginning to get me down. What shall I do? When we have a romantic meal together, I have to sit in the high chair! Yours gratefully, HL." "Oh, I do hope An-Paj writes in!" Jemmiah pleaded to any listening gods. "Anyone with six wives has got to have a whole stack of problems to cope with." "How are you going to do this?" Kenobi asked her. "You’ll need to make certain that all the replies aren’t traced to you." "Letina’s going to help there. She’s the technological wonder." Jemmiah replied. "I’d love to see everyone’s faces when they try to find out who are mystery head doctor is! It’ll have them in SUCH a tizzy, they won’t know what day it is!" "So, when’s the big kick off?" Obi-Wan asked with interest. "Tonight. My apartment. Evla’s on night shifts with the kiddies this week. Plenty of opportunity to have some fun!" She quirked an eyebrow at Obi-Wan. "Sounds interesting." He kissed her hand. "Cut it out, you guys." Simeon complained. "Just ‘coz you’re loves young dream doesn’t mean that we shy, retiring bachelors…" "Bachelor?" Snorted Obi-Wan. "I’ve seen you staring at Meri. And Letina. And Dimallie." He frowned. "AND JEMMIAH." Obi-Wan emphasized. "Really?" Jemmy asked. "Sorry, Simeon. Spiky here has got my specialized attention." "No harm in looking." Simeon spread his hands in a gesture of surrender. "As long as that’s all." Kenobi growled. "We’ve had enough problems with Kryztan Harkley." "Don’t remind me." Jemmy muttered. They sat companionably beside each other for a while, before Simeon sat bolt upright. "Sith!" He stared at his chrono with a horrified expression on his face. "I’m s’posed to be assisting An-Paj with a hemorrhoid operation!" He jumped to his feet, brushing off the grass from his green-stained tunic. "When?" Jemmiah asked. "Five minutes ago." Simeon was already running past the fountains and hurrying towards the direction of the nearest turbo-lift. Obi-Wan turned to Jemmiah. "Looks like it’s just you and me, then." He grinned. ************* "Where is it you’re going tonight, padawan?" Qui-Gon asked with a sigh. Since had started seeing Leona on a semi-regular basis, and Obi-Wan was more often than not in Jemmiah’s company, nights were rarely times that Qui-Gon and his apprentice got to spend with each other. "To see Simeon." Kenobi replied. "I want to see the kind of punishment that An-Paj inflicted on him for missing Master Quirida-Xac’s hemorrhoid operation. I’ll bet he had to clean every fresher and empty every bed pan at the healers." "Don’t laugh at other’s misfortune." Admonished the tall Jedi, although he too was smiling a little. An-Paj was a very thorough individual… "I shouldn’t be too late. Expect me when I’m back, though." Obi-Wan waved a quick goodbye and headed for Jemmiah’s apartment. Qui-Gon wondered briefly what was the cause of his Padawan’s haste to excuse himself from his master’s presence. Jemmiah, no doubt. Shaking his head, Qui-Gon set about making himself presentable for Leona. *************************** "Sorry I’m late." Obi-Wan said, slightly flustered, as Jemmiah opened the door to her flat and let him in. He pecked her quickly on the cheek. "Is that it?" She frowned. "Just a warm up." Obi-Wan smirked. "I didn’t think you needed warming up. Are you that old that I need to find myself a younger model already? Have I worn you out so fast?" Jemmiah said innocently. "Very funny." Obi-Wan looked into the living area to see Letina already seated by the holo-net terminal, fingers working furiously. Simeon stood behind her, with a sour expression on his face. "What did he do, Simeon?" Obi-Wan asked his friend. "I’m on fresher duty for the next week. And as for the bedpans…" Obi-wan stifled his smile. "Here we go, guys." Letina said. "Our advert is up and running." "Let’s see." Obi-Wan let go of Jemmiah and wandered over for a better look. He read the advert. It said: ‘Fed up with your master? Padawans getting you down? Feel that you have reached the end of your tether? If things are making you blue, why not share them with the temple’s own advice columnist, Naughty Nell. She’ll be there to offer you sensible advise on all matter of topics. No problem is too big or too embarrassing. Remember that a problem shared is a problem halved. Don’t delay!’ "That’s good." Simeon mused. "What do we do now?" "We wait to see how many fishies bite." Letina snickered. "This is a time when a lot of the padawans and a considerable amount of the masters are using their holo-connection. And they can’t trace this advert back to us. I’ve made sure of that!" "Good." Jemmiah smiled, pouring everyone a drink of sparkling Alderaani wine. "Now we sit back and wait for the fun to start. I hope there are some really juicy questions flying our way!" I just hope we don’t get caught, thought Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon will not like this! ***** Beep. Turning towards to holo, Jemmiah opened up the first reply. Dear Naughty Nell, Problem I have. With female it is. Smother me she does. Feed me gruel for meals she does. Call her 'snugglebuns' I must. Embarrassing it is. Laugh the Council does. Advice you will give? Y. Rubbing her hands together in a very Sithly fashion, Jemmiah began to type. ***** Dear Y, Are you a man or a mouse...actually; are you a man at all? I think we have to establish who the 'Master' is here. It isn't you, is it? I suggest you ask her to find an embarrassing name to call you, and see if she likes it. Something like "hot-lips sweetie-pie", or "flossum-wussums". That should send her running to the nearest swamp, er, hiding place. What does she smother you with, out of curiosity? Treacle's my own preferred substance. Far easier to lick off... You're complaining about eating gruel? I think she should force you to take all your meals at the temple refectory. That would soon convince you of the relative merits of gruel. Seven days of eating that filthy muck would make your taste buds think they were in heaven after returning to 'Snugglebuns' fave recipe. As for the Council, they have no right to laugh at anything. I recommend that you remind them that they are the select few. Chosen for their wisdom, compassion and dignity. Then force them to spend an entire session wearing only there underwear. If that doesn't ram home the meaning of embarrassing, nothing will. Affectionately yours, Naughty Nell (your little 'Diddle-Dumpling-Diddums) ***** "There, Jemmiah said proudly. "You can do the next one." She ruffled Obi-Wan's short hair. "Snugglebuns." Beep. "Your turn 'Snugglebuns'. Step on up to the plate." -------------------------------- Dear Naughty Nell, I seem to have a problem getting a certain someone - let's call her Healer L. - to act naughty. She seems feel I need to be treated in a masterly fashion all the time. How do I convince her otherwise? QGJ ***** Dear QGJ, Frankly I think there's too much 'licking the master's feet' going on, without you wanting to corrupt this poor female into doing the same. If you don't want HER to treat you like the master, might I suggest she buy's a cane? Then she can have some of the fun! I think she has a perception problem. Could it be that you are perceived as a rigid, unbending, strict disciplinarian; the type who would never let their padawan stay out late or do anything remotely fun? The kind of stern, severe-faced individual whose idea of a good time is to meditate cross-legged for five hours at a time? You are? Then it's time for the holos. Take the time to show yourself in a new light. Start out by making sure she sees all the candid and revealing shots of yourself in the shower by leaving them lying around on the table. If that doesn't work, ask her if she wants to see your etchings. Fond regards, Naughty Nell (available on demand from 9.00am - 9.00pm) ***** *Beep* Dear Naughty Nell, I have SO MANY problems! First of all, people seem to find me boring. This is because their idea of fun is not mine. As a result, I don't talk to many people and my social life is somewhat lacking. Second, I owe this bar (or at least it used to be a bar.) a large amount of credits for some...damage...I did to it some time ago. I do not have enough money; do you know a way I can earn some? (Within two weeks to avoid trial.) Regards, GH~ ***** "My turn!" Simeon nudged Obi-Wan out of the seat. "I think we can all guess who this is from!" Simeon Cates cracked his fingers and settled down to type his reply. Dear GH, The quickest and easiest way to make money is of course to go on 'the game'. Some people might think that this is not perhaps the greatest career move, but on the plus side you get to meet lots of interesting individuals from amongst all sorts of species. And some people find the Jedi uniform a bit of a turn on, anyway. And you can always choose the hours you want to work. It may not improve your social life but the conversation should be fairly limited anyhow, so I imagine that would suit you just fine. Who thinks you are boring? Has anyone told you this? Is it a case of you being boring or...zzzz...zzzzzzzzzzz...zzzzz...zzz What? Sorry, fell asleep typing your reply. Yours yawnfully, Naughty Nell. ***** *Beep* Dear Naughty Nell, I'm a bit nervous, um...I've never admitted this before and if anyone ever found out I would just die! I sorta have a crush on another padawan in the temple and I don't know how to tell him or even if I should tell him at all. He's a friend but I don't know if he likes me in "that way." I get this queasy feeling everytime I see him (no, it's not an upset stomach - it's a "good" kind of queasy) but I'm too shy to say anything. What should I do? K. **** "Mine! Mine!" Letina growled, slapping Simeon on the wrists in an effort to get him to vacate the chair. "Why do women always hit me?" Simeon asked miserably. "It's to do with the kind of face you have, sweetie-pie." Jemmiah tweaked his braid playfully. "Now let Letina have her turn, there's a good boy!" Dear K, How does he like you, then? Chained to a wall or standing on your hands in black stockings? My advice would be to hold out for a while before telling this padawan the way you feel. If you say how deeply you care for him, he might be extremely flattered. More realistically, he'll probably say: 'I'd sooner smear my genitalia in Takkini for the ants to enjoy than go out with you.' Wait a while. Drop subtle hints. Offer to do his laundry or carry his bag to the training rooms. Buy him expensive aftershave. Offer to darn his socks. Slave away over a hot stove all day and cook him his fave food. If he doesn't take the hint, it's time for the turbo lift test. Time to find out the real meaning of the word CRUSH! Lock yourself in with him, then press the emergency stop button. It'll take the best part of an hour to get it going again. You can learn a lot about a person when you're stuck in a confined place with them.' "Yes," grinned Obi-Wan, reading over Letina's shoulder, "like being stuck on a games table in a darkened cellar in a smoke filled Cantina." Letina continued- 'If he doesn't take the hint, he's probably not worth knowing. It's not as if you'll be missing out on very much anyway. Unless being groped every two minutes is your thing." Naughty Nell (who still has the bruises to prove it) "You can't put that!" Kenobi laughed. "It's obviously Jay Abran she's talking about." "And why not?" Letina shot back. "He's got elasticized hands that appear from nowhere round corners. Isn't that right, Jemmy?" Uh-huh." Jemmiah nodded. "Jay can be mighty unobservant when he wants to be. Kylenn could probably slide down the banister naked and he wouldn't notice her efforts." "Poor girl." Simeon muttered. "She's so good hearted, she's bound to take your advise seriously. I bet the next time we see her she'll be carrying his bag for him!" They all laughed. "You were right about one thing," Jemmiah grinned, "the turbo-lift test sure reveals a lot about a person." "Yup," Kenobi concurred, "Jemmy and I were in the middle of finding out a lot about each other when the doors opened. It was a pity my Master and Mace Windu were standing outside at the time." "And you were correct about Abran, too." Jemmy smiled. "She won't be missing much. There wouldn't be a lot for the ants to eat if he tried that Takkini thing." Obi-Wan stared at her. "From what I've been told." She added. ***** Dear Naughty Nell! I’ve got a problem. I am fond of a Padawan – name him Obi K. – but he doesn’t care! I’m beautiful, smart and kindhearted, and I bet I kiss much better than that silly girlfriend of his! And I look better, and dance better, and… Oh Sith, she isn’t even Force sensitive! I do my best to attract him, but you know I’m eager to be a Jedi so it would be disgusting to use the Force in my personal interests. Therefore I acted according to the Handbook of Current Black Magic by Dr. Th. Sidious, it’s really respectable manual; but even dried Bantha wool added to his soup didn’t work at all! Padawan Amb-ca says it’s stronger to use dried Bantha poodoo instead, but I have a doubt: is it actually scientifically proven? What do you think? And please if you know more of those powerful formulas – TELL ME! Terribly-eager-to-be-Jedi Isadora L. ***** There was a deadly silence. "Do I know this amoeba?" Jemmiah frowned, crossing her arms, "or do you just like your women to be jail bait?" "I have NOTHING to do with this!" Kenobi panicked. "Believe me, you wouldn't want to meet Isadora Lucey. Pray you never have to. She has a thing about male padawans. I think it's the braid." "How does she know so much about me?" Jemmy grimaced. "Everyone knows about you." Muttered Simeon. He received another swipe on the back of his head. "Owch! I thought you said she was harmless." he moaned at Obi-Wan and glaring at Jemmiah. Kenobi snorted as he stared at the message. "This one is MINE." "Uh-uh." Jemmy shook her head. "I'm the injured party here. I'm gonna fix this little runt good and fine!" She started to type. "Dear Isadora, You're going about this entirely the wrong way. Love potions are all well and good, but they work better when you take them yourself. I have a VERY effective spell for you: 1 tin of Alderaani fresh prunes 1 tin of Bandomeerian fresh figs 4 large spoons of Corellian Dandelion cordial 5 spoons of Corellian castor oil. Mix well together and eat as soon as served. I think you will find that it will have pretty explosive effects. Yours (smiling in the knowledge of a deed well done) Naughty Nell." She sat back with a satisfied expression. "Nobody tangles with me lightly!" "I know." Kenobi murmured, smiling. "I've still got the scars." "You and half the other guys in the temple." Simeon said under his breath. He sighed. Alas, not including him. ***** Dear Naughty Nell, I'm a young, virile padawan. Top of my class. Handsome and strong, I can have the pick of any woman I want (my master has even told me so). I know, so what problem could I have? Well, I'm interested in a Corellian spitfire and she doesn't even give me the time of day. Infact, she's taken up with a dweeb of a padawan who spends most of his time on his back in the infirmary (he's such an oaf). He's no where near man enough for her, at least in comparison to me. What can I do to bring her to her senses and drop her loser of a boyfriend? Your Jedi stud, KH ***** "I'm going to kill him." said Kenobi. Jemmiah stood there with her mouth open. "It's him." She frowned, pointing at the screen. It's HIM. Kryztan Sithspit Harkley." She shook her head in dismay. "I thought he'd sorted this thing out! He promised us he'd got himself under control." "Evidently not!" Snapped Obi-Wan. "Don't have a go at me, I haven't encouraged him." Jemmiah hissed back at him. "Stop dressing so provocatively." Obi-Wan growled. "He might take a hint." "What, so you want me to go about looking like an old sack, is that right?" Jemmiah snarled. "Did I say that?" he threw his hands up. "Although frankly, I think you get a kick out of having him look at you with those big, baby eyes." "It's better than going out with a big baby." She glared at him. "I have never asked him to follow me around. I don't hand a sign round my neck saying 'all stalkers and weirdo's please call me at my apartment.'" "He called me a dweeb." Kenobi said disgusted, not caring a jot that Letina and Simeon were watching the heated argument swing backwards and forwards. "Maybe he's got a point." "I'm SOOOOOO going to kill him. When my master's not looking." "Very brave." She retorted. "I'll bet you're really enjoying this." That was the last thing he got out before her fist connected with his face. "Sith!" He held his head in his hands, blood poring from his nose. Jemmiah was likewise doubled over in pain, holding her wrist with her other hand. "You can be such a git sometimes, Ben." She grimaced. "See you down at the healers." Jemmiah struggled out with the help of Letina, who put a supportive arm round her shoulders. "That miserable vrelt. Why did he have to have so hard a head? I've broken my hand for sure." Jemmiah moaned as she headed out the door. Simeon went into the fresher room, and came back with a large wad of tissue which he stuffed up Obi-Wan's nostrils. "You're nose is broken. Better get you to the infirmary, too." He said finally. "Unless you want to spend the rest of your life looking like Qui-Gon!" Kenobi glared. "Not yet. I'm going to fix that Gamorrean swine before I move anywhere." He typed with bloodied fingers: Dear KH, I always find that the people who boast about their abilities are usually the most ineffectual. If you're as virile as you say you are, why is this girl going out with the dweeb, as you call him? Maybe you aren't man enough for her after all. Take a good, long look at yourself in a mirror. I'm sure your 'short comings' will make themselves evident. Then maybe you'll understand why this oaf has got the better of you. If you're really insecure, there's a telescope in the observatory that can see millions of light years away. It might just do for you. Don't get too depressed. I'm sure there are many other poor, deluded females who aren't as picky. After all, size matters not. Well, not if you’re a Krayt Dragon. Naughty Nell." "Finished?" Cates asked ruefully. "Yeah." Kenobi grunted. "Oaf indeed!" He staggered out of Evla's home, much as Jemmiah had only minutes before. "Take me to the healers." He said. |
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| A Problem Shared is a Problem Multiplied... |