| ***** Krelo stood and brandished her piece of flimsy like a weapon. "Mace Windu!" She set her teeth together in a sickly sweet grin. "Yes!" Whooped Obi-Wan in delight. "This is the one I want to hear about." "I didn't realize you were such a big fan, padawan." Qui-Gon yawned. "I'm not. I just think it's nice to be able to get something on a council member. You never know when blackmail might come in handy, or you need a favor…" Mace began to get worried. "Any habits: Mace has extremely bad indigestion from time to time. His stomach makes a noise that's a cross between a gurgling pipe and a wind-chime. I imagine this must be extremely annoying during council meetings." "You've no idea." Replied Depa Billaba. "He also suffers from occasional bouts of flatulence which I'm informed he tries to blame on Master Poof. It's no wonder his eyes are beginning to bulge of late with the effort of trying to keep it all in. That's why the initiates call him Master Windy." "Ugh, that's just too disgusting!" Laughed Jay. "Shut up!" Mace growled. "Charcoal's s'posed to be good for it." Jemmy said with a smile. "Shut up!" Mace growled again. "Your vocabulary's not very varied, is it?" Dex chuckled. "SHUT UP!" "Next. Anything you like about this person: Mace is a caring, giving and kind individual." Krelo read out. Mace smirked, suddenly feeling rather pleased with himself. "Why, thank you." "He cares about himself, he gives the padawans a lot of grief and he kind of likes to dictate to everyone. He's also not afraid to take a fashion risk. That belt round his head for example. Big mistake. Still, he's not afraid to look a complete twizzle so he's ok with me." "Shut up!" Mace grimaced. "That's very rude." Rela berated Mace. "There are innocent young children here." She nodded at Jemmiah and Spider. "Hmph!" Was all that Mace would answer, plainly sulking. "Anything you don't like about this person: He's extremely bossy. Some people are born to greatness, some are born to be heroes, some are born to become legends. Not Mace. He was born to be a council member." "Thank you." Mace said in surprise. "I don't think it was meant to be a compliment." Depa said dryly. "Any helpful advice: Don't wear a center parting." Qui-Gon snickered. "Very amusing Jinn. At least I don't look like I belong on the end of somebody's leash." "Has this person ever done anything helpful or kind: He sat next to Yaddle during Yoda's lecture on initiate care. That was kind. I thought he was going to sit next to me and people might think it was MY stomach making those peculiar noises." "Cheers." Mace chewed his lip. "I've narrowed it down to two people I have to kill." "Has this person ever done anything unhelpful or unkind: We once asked him to stand outside in the temple gardens so we could use the sun's reflection from off his head to power the temple kitchens for nearly twelve hours. The money we would have saved was going to be donated to the healers but the tight swine refused." "Somebody's going to be needing the healers when I've finished with them!" Mace snorted. "Would you trust this person to watch your back in an emergency: Those noises would just put me off anyhow. I can't imagine fighting an enemy with the sound of someone draining a bath just over my shoulder. I'd want to call for an emergency plumber." Mace's eyes narrowed. "Sum this person up in under 100 words: Mace is a sweet guy with a lot of hang-ups. He calls the girls and they hang up! "Vernice Ashdal, you are so DEAD!" yelped Windu. "That's for leaving me on the dance floor all by myself." Vernice hiccuped. "I told you I'd get you back. Took me over twenty years to do it, but I got there in the end!" "Somebody get me a drink." Jemmy swirled the fruit based cocktail in her glass with distaste. "You're s'posed to swallow it, not hope it evaporates by staring at it." Rela answered. "No more for you." Qui-Gon replied. "What?!?" Jemmiah's mouth dropped. "Why not?" "Because you've got Sith knows what floating round in your system already. I'm afraid you're going to have to flush out the toxins with something a little more healthy." "I haven't got any toxins left in my body." Jemmy growled. "Thanks to Rela and her darned snails." "S-O-R-R-Y! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. How many more times do you want me to say it? Or maybe you'd like me to write it on the table in my own blood? Would that please you?" Rela said with the merest hint of a grin on her lips. "You could at least sound as if you meant it." Jemmy muttered as she took a mouthful of the over sweet fruit drink. "This tastes like utter p…" "Who's next?" Qui-Gon cut in with a frown. He made his mind up to keep an eye on Jemmiah from now on, whenever he could. Her casual abuse of substances rather worried him. Rela had sneakingly informed him of her rather frivolous use of the headache tablets. Somewhere, something at the back of his mind nagged at him. "I'll go next." Meri smiled. "My victim is Ambianca." "Oh, good." Jemmiah looked smug and made a show of settling in and getting comfortable. "I'm hooked already. Do carry on." "Thanks." Meri grinned. "OK. Here we go. Any annoying habits: She has the most annoying laugh in the galaxy. If you took her to the zoo they'd never let her out again. They could use her in a breeding program to persuade the Flipperphants to mate but other than that I can think of no celestial reason for the existence of this being." "YES!" Clapped Jemmy. "Right on the mark! Come the revolution it's the airheads that'll go first." "Anything you like about this person: She can act as an anaesthetic if you are in pain or discomfort. An hour with Ambianca tends to take the sting out of misery. Sixty minutes of listening to her spout meaningless drivel numbs the brain beautifully. As such I am recommending her as a cost saving measure to the healers instead of the usual cocktail of painkillers." "I thought the healers wanted people to get better, not kill 'em." Growled Sybelle. "I'd have given up the will to live long before I came under the knife." "Anything you don't like about this person: Give me an "F", Give me an "L", Give me a "U", Give me an "F", Give me another "F"…give me brainless!" Ambianca tried to spell it out in her head. "That's fluff, marshmallow brain!" Jemmiah grimaced. "Helpful advice: Don't take a bath instead of a shower." "Why?" Spider wondered. "Because," Meri continued, "you are liable to get sucked down the drain when you remove the plug with all the other bits of dead skin." "That's a good one." An overjoyed Letina declared. "Has this person ever done anything helpful or kind: Nope." Sal-Fina was beginning to grow really upset. "Leave her alone." She hissed. "Gladly." Jemmiah replied. "When she leaves us alone." "Has this person ever done anything unhelpful or unfriendly: Unhelpful is her middle name. (But she can't spell it) She looks down upon everybody. If she came face to face with the creator of the galaxy she would be telling him/her/it where it went wrong and how to improve on previous design flaws. Not to mention the importance of quick drying nail polish. She'd have the oceans made of moisturizer and the mountains from face powder. And the whole planet would be a big ball of pointless fluff." "Visit planet Ambianca, the flufftastic spectacle that has people from all over the galaxy flocking with their vacuuming machines." Jemmy drawled. Sum up in under 100 words: Ambianca gives every appearance of being a well-groomed, well-bred, well-educated sophisticate. She seems to have it all. However, it has to be said that even a amoeba looks pretty if examined from a distance and in Ambianca's case there is a lot of salt water getting in somewhere because it appears her brain has suffered from continued corrosion." Meri looked really pleased as she finished reading. "And so say all of us, huh?" Yoda sat and tapped with his stick upon the makeshift stage. "Good this is not." He said eventually. "No, master." Alex admitted. "Hoped for more, I did." "Yes, master." Alex agreed. "I think maybe you scared them off. The opposition, I mean!" He added hurriedly. Yoda looked at him balefully. "Hmmmm." "But look on the bright side. If nobody else turns up then you win the singing contest by default!" Alex said cheerfully. The two of them cast a sweeping gaze over the room designated to stage the contest. Over the shining floor. The beautiful wine colored curtains. The empty chairs… Qui-Gon was still smirking as the last few sheets were read out. In particular he recalled somebody summing up Dex as "an ageing Corellian romantic who these days has trouble bending over to pull on his boots, let alone anything more strenuous." Then there had been the individual who had given the helpful advice of "Don't every talk to Sybelle first thing in the morning because she is a right moody old Nerf! (Oh, sorry. I forgot. You never actually get to see Sybelle until late in the afternoon when she scrambles out of her pit…)" And when asked if somebody would trust Rela to watch their back, one wit had replied "Not really. She can't see that high up." Poor Rela had come in for a bit of a hard time. Somebody had said: "Any annoying habits: Rela seems rather impatient and crotchety on the odd occasion. I've noticed that her foot jiggles constantly when she gets upset or annoyed. She does a lot of jiggling." Rela had exclaimed, "I do NOT get crotchety! Who the heck wrote this garbage?" Her foot had been jiggling irritably whilst she had said it. Qui-Gon stood up to read the last one. Well, by a process of elimination that left: "Lilith Demodae." The smuggler captain didn't look too concerned. She contented herself with folding her arms behind her as a pillow. "Go for it, jungle Jedi!" She grinned. Qui-Gon cleared his throat and started to read. "Any annoying habits: She tends to look down on people. Then again, she tends to look down on everyone because she's too darned tall! Lilith Demodae can also spit Corellian chewing tabac further than any human being. Spitting is a disgusting habit. And I can't spit more than three feet when the winds in the right direction. It's so unfair!" "Practice makes perfect. I can't stand tabac, personally. So many more enjoyable vices to indulge in. I just do it because I can." "What vices are these?" Dex asked interestedly. "That would be telling." She winked. "Same as you probably." "That's good." Berlingside flashed his best Corellian grin. "I just do it because I can, too!" "Anything you like about this person: That striptease was a Bit of alright! Infact I'd go as far as to say that she was a bit of all right. I like this person's "person" very much indeed. But it's obvious she's not a natural blonde. So what I want to know is what is her normal coloring and can we verify this with holos?" "If the person who wrote this would like to see me after the crawl then I think we can sort something out." She grinned like a cannoid. "Anything you don't like: Get me a date and I'll let you know!" Lilith looked surprised. "Now I'm curious." "Helpful advice: Beware of low bridges." "I'm NOT that tall." "Has this person ever done anything helpful or kind: I don't know. She's usually being too mean and spiteful for me to find out!" Lilith eyed Griff with the warmth of a snake looking for rats in the desert. "Has this person ever done anything unkind or unhelpful: I can't say. There is a court hearing about it and I'm not allowed to speak to the defendant!" Sybelle begin to feel very uneasy. "Would you trust this person to watch your back: Are you kidding? I wouldn't trust her within an inch of my life." "You're overestimating yourself, dear." Lilith looked him up and down. "Sum up in under 100 words: Lilith Demodae is my favorite rival. Intelligent, attractive in a scary kind of way. I think that she has the most wonderful…" "Eeeeeeyowwww!" Screamed Griff, breaking into his own musings as Sybelle set fire to his pants. "You were right, Griff." She leaned in towards him, hissing. "This IS a lucky lighter you gave me!" "Maybe I should have a look at the damage." Leona stood up, ever the carer. "Yeah, you do that." Lilith sniffed. "And whilst you're at it, tell us what color he is naturally!" "Well, that was…illuminating." Rela drawled as she watched the collection of Jedi make their way onto the rapidly darkening streets. Hmiol tried to help haul his master, who seemed somewhat agitated and excited about something, to walk in the same direction as all the others. "Very." Jemmiah watched as the fluorescent party from the temple seemed to huddle together as if in protection from some hidden evil. Safety in numbers, she supposed. "Looks like Jay managed to get a few more victims with his food coloring." "One of his better jokes." Obi-Wan nodded. "At least we can use ourselves to see the way ahead." Jemmiah nodded. "When I was with my uncle on Corellia we went to see the water galas. They used to light little candles and set them adrift on rafts, then push them onto the lakes. It was really pretty. That's what everyone reminds me of." "Only you don't need to set anyone on fire." Simeon's illuminated teeth flashed over Rela's shoulder. "Unless you're Sybelle of course." "I'm not sure about her idea of a wick, either." Jemmiah raised an eyebrow. Rela groaned. "My legs are tired. They're only little." "But perfectly formed." Simeon smiled. "Even if they do jiggle." "So it was you, was it?" Rela looked him up and down. "What's so wrong with my legs?" "Absolutely nothing." Simeon sighed wistfully. Rela grinned. Simeon tried to recall which cantina was next. But it was too much of a strain so he gave up. "It's the Jumping Jax next." Jemmy offered. "How did you know that's what I was wondering?" He asked. "Corellian instinct? Or maybe I assumed that there was a reason for that constipated expression." "Don't mention constipation to a healer. It's an anathema to them." "An-Athema? Isn't that the name of one of An-Paj's wives?" Jemmy asked with a frown. "Ha ha." Cates teeth lit up the surrounding area. "Do you know how bad it is being a healer? The kind of jokes we have to put up with? If one more person asks if the bowels moved for me, I swear I will break down." Obi-Wan stared past the huddle of inebriates and the walking comatose to the side scene of a glittering Garos Hmiol trying to drag his master after the others. "What's happening up there?" He frowned. Jemmiah and company followed his gaze, taking in the happy and talkative figure of Far Biwo being wrestled by the usually taciturn and uncommunicative Hmiol. "Master!" He grunted. "This way." "Ah, who wants to go that way? Everyone else is going that way? You want to be a Nerf with no brain of your own? You want other people telling you what to do all the time? Do you want to conform?" Hmiol paused. "Yes." He said eventually. "Tough. I don't. I want to go over here!" Biwo pulled Hmiol after him with a massive tug upon his arm. "Master, please…" "Awwww, shut up for the moment Garos my boy! I want to get some water to wash down all those fabulous drinks I've been having." Hmiol watched aghast as Far staggered over to one of the fountains in the middle of Coruscant's best known plaza. The statue in the middle was of a Keltorus, a Corellian creature of ancient myth represented by a beautiful woman with a fish's tail instead of legs. Biwo lunged determinedly for the edge of the fountain. "Made it!" He said as he used his hands to make a cup for the water. "Master, the others are watching…" Garos whispered in an unsure tone. "Good! Bring 'em over. I don't care." He grinned. He nudged the padawan on the shoulder as he stared up at the statue. "What do you think of her, son? She's a bit of alright, don't you think?" "It's a statue, master." "Use your imagination." Sniffed Biwo as he stared in besotted fashion at the marble sculpture. He turned round to face Obi-Wan's little group further down the street. "Hey, Jemmiah. How about growing a tail and sitting in the water?" He laughed. "MASTER!" Garos whimpered. Biwo shook his head. "Well, if she won't jump in then I suppose it's up to me. Hold my robe." He instructed the dumbstruck apprentice. "You CAN'T!" Garos swallowed. "Course I can!" Biwo said happily as he jumped up on the rim of the fountain. Hmiol watched in horror as Far Biwo, known throughout the temple as one of the most understated and respected masters in the order began to strip off his clothing piece by piece… "Master!" Hmiol's eyes seemingly couldn't get any bigger, but yet they contrived to do so. "Come down from there!" "You are such a spoilsport." Biwo chucked his right boot at his padawan. "When will you learn that there's more to life than studying and meditation and going for walks? Try having some fun!" "That isn't fun master, it's called making a fool of yourself!" "No, it's definitely fun." Biwo splashed some of the sprayback from the fountain into Hmiol's face. "Who wants to join me in this purposely built fresher for four?" Obi-Wan and his group had arrived on the scene and Hmiol began to feel incredibly embarrassed. Not to mention guilty. Technically, it was all his fault. Him and that Simeon Cates, who now stood only yards from where his master was busy gyrating and cavorting, like a deranged snake charmer. "If that's a new form of dancing, I can't see it catching on." Simeon remarked. Hmiol gritted his teeth and ignored the remark. He had far more pressing things to think about. "Catch!" Shouted Biwo as his other boot flew through the air, missing Spider by the narrowest of margins. "Hey, careful!" She shouted. "You could have someone's eye out!" "Well, funny you should say that!" Grinned Biwo; "Because it just so happens…" He began to unfasten his tunic trousers. "Master!" Yelled Hmiol in distress. "Please, Master Biwo. You're causing a scene. And remember there are ladies present." Obi-Wan stepped closer. "There are?" He stared at the group of congregating females. "Some of them, maybe." He pointed at Jemmiah. "If that's a lady then I'm Chancellor Valorum!" "Cheers!" Jemmy pulled a face. "Now, hang on a moment…" Obi-Wan began. Biwo's tunic top landed smack over his head. "Does nobody here know how to have fun?" He asked, down to his socks and underwear. "Aren't you cold?" Rela asked. "No, I'm not. I'm a hot-blooded animal. Rowwwwwwrrrrrrr!" He growled. //Master, I think you're needed here// Obi-Wan thought. "I don't know what could have come over him." Simeon puzzled. "I've never seen anything like this before in all my days at the infirmary." "Who cares what's wrong, let's just get him out!" Obi-Wan's replied was muffled from under Biwo's top. "There are laws against this sort of thing. If Yoda ever found out…" "Ah, Yoda can go fillet himself." Biwo declared. "Miserable old troll. He was born with that stick up his…" "MASTER!" Hmiol cautioned. Biwo started to scrub himself under the arms, singing as he went. "Pity I don't have my little plasti-ducky with me." Biwo grinned. Simeon tittered. "Which of you lovely girls wants to help scrub my back?" He gloated. "As long as he uses his brain for a sponge. It should soak up plenty of water." Jemmy bit back. "That's not very friendly, my little Corellian water nymph!" "I'm your what?" Jemmiah blinked. "Water nymph." Biwo used the force to create a huge wave of water. Everybody stepped back from him except for Obi-Wan who had just struggled out of Biwo's tunic top when the splash soaked him. "Don't take offence Master Biwo, but you're one pod racer short of an arena." Jemmy stared at him. "Come on in, the water's lovely!" Biwo removed his socks, rolling them into balls and bouncing them off his chest. "Is he usually like this?" Rela frowned in distaste. "No." Hmiol shut his eyes. "No he's not." "Then what's brought it on? Surely it can't just be the demon drink?" Spider asked. "And quit all that splashing, will you? My Dinko's getting upset and believe me you do not like him when he gets nasty." "Ah-ha!" Biwo snapped his fingers as if only just remembering. "It's the snake girl! Would you like to have a look at my…" "NO SHE WOULDN'T YOU DISGUSTING OLD DUNG BEATLE!" Rela took a menacing step forwards. "Whoa! The little red one's gonna get me! HELP! HELP! Indecent assault!" "Indecent assault?" Jemmy pulled a face. "I think you're being hopeful, aren't you?" "Hear that? They're all ganging up on me, Garos my boy. Well, I guess bath time's over. I'm gonna go pay my fishy friend here a visit." Obi-Wan watched open-mouthed as Biwo started to climb, completely naked, up to the top of the column where the statue was. //MASTER!// He yelled mentally. "Simeon, do something!" "EH?" "Do something!" "Like what? If the flipper king wants to indulge in a harmless spot of romantic entanglement with a statue then I say good luck to him." "Then cover Jemmiah's eyes!" That caused Rela to laugh. "You do it!" "How can I!?!" Kenobi snapped, indicating his bandaged arms, now wet. Jemmy saw the others begin to crawl their way back towards the fountain in little groups and as they did, two thoughts struck her. One: Who was going to get Biwo down before security was called out to arrest him for indecent exposure and two: "Where the heck is Meri with that holocam?" She yelled. "I can make enough money to keep me in luxury for the rest of my life with this footage!" "Meri!" Yelled Rela, making an exaggerated running motion with her fists, "get your rear down here and start shooting!" "What are you talking about?" Meri began to pick up speed in a scuttling stride that was neither a walk nor a run. "What's up with you now? I thought we were s'posed to be going to the Jumpin' Jax but it would seem you've found some alternative form of escapism that probably…Holy Master Yoda's sainted underwear!" Meri exclaimed as she looked to where Jemmiah was pointing. "That never is…" "It is." Simeon grinned. "What's he doing?" Meri blinked. "Well, you had to learn this sooner or later Mer, although it might come as a bit of a shock. See, Master Biwo's formed quite an attachment to our statue up there and he's decided to go courting." Meri held up a silencing hand. "You don't need to say anything else. I'm filming, I'm filming!" "Good. You want a copy, Rela?" Jemmy asked. "To darn right." The redhead replied gruffly. "After all we've been through today I think this might just prove the ideal pick-me-up!" Jemmy smiled. "Fine. That'll be 20 credits, please!" "I thought I was your friend?" Rela stood akimbo. "You are." Jemmiah looked puzzled. "Why do you think you're getting it so cheap?" "I'll bet you say that to all the boys." Simeon chuckled. "I don't say it to you." Jemmiah muttered. Simeon sighed. "I know." Up and up Biwo climbed, nearing the summit of his desire: a chance to lock lips with the stony embrace of his Corellian dream. "He'll fall." Jemmy said flatly. "He's a Jedi, course he won't." Simeon said dissmissively. "We're as nimble as cats." "What, and cats can't fall?" "They land on their feet." Rela remarked idly as she watched the continued assent. "Well, let's hope he doesn't slip coz if he doesn't land on his feet he's going to do some permanent damage to that jet mechanism." "Never heard it called that before." Spider snickered. "I'm just saying," Jemmy frowned as she saw Biwo miss his next handhold, which was a very personal part of the statue's anatomy. "Marble's a very slippery surface when it's wet. All he has to do is make a tiny little error and…" "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" Screamed Biwo on his way down. "Yup, there he goes." Jemmy nodded. "Did you get that, Meri?" "Where is he?" Obi-Wan frowned as he tried to see through the spray. "Has he surfaced yet?" "Not that I can see." Simeon craned his head as he searched vainly for the figure of Biwo amongst the cascading water. "Perhaps he's drowned." Jemmy added. Hmiol looked aghast. If his master had succumbed that would make him a drunk, an arsonist and a murderer. All in all quite an impressive tally in the space of one evening. "No sign?" Even Simeon began to lose his joking patter. "He's got to be somewhere!" "I'm telling you, he's drowned." Jemmy shook her head. "You are SO morbid!" Obi-Wan said for the second time that day. "How long can you hold your breath when you're drunk and hypothermic?" Jemmiah retorted. "I've never tried both together." "Only a matter of time with your track record." Jemmy mumbled to herself. Hmiol had by now climbed into the fountain's rim and was desperately wading around in search of his beloved master. If Biwo were gone then he would be thrown out the order for good… "Master!" He yelled. "Where are you?" "I'm up here, Garos my boy." From amidst the spray the voice came, low and groaning in it's despair. As one, each of the observing Jedi and their companions looked above them, at first seeing nothing. And then… "There he is!" Spider pointed. "See? He's atop of that trident." "Can you climb down, Master Biwo?" Kenobi asked. "I don't want to go down, I want to go up!" Biwo replied, although looking much less certain than he had been earlier about his passion for the sculpture. "Maybe the water's dampened his ardor." Simeon chuckled. "I think it's probably the trident that's done that." Rela said dryly. "No way can that be comfy." Obi-Wan shouted up again. "Master Biwo, if you don't come down we will have to call out the emergency services and you know what happens in cases like this." "What?" Spider asked dubiously. "They take holos. Trust me, I know about these things." He stared balefully up at the shivering master. "Please sir, come down. An-Paj will have you locked away for weeks on end if you don't." "Will that Leona creature be making up my bed?" He shouted back through the din of the rushing water. "I don't know…probably." Obi-Wan looked confused. "Well," Biwo said in a shaky voice, "I'll take my chance with the hypothermia. She can plump up my pillows any day!" Hmiol, now completely wet, glared at his teacher. "Master, COME DOWN HERE AT ONCE!" He yelled. Everyone looked at him in utter surprise. "Who are you?" Far asked. "What do you mean? I'm your padawan!" Hmiol replied anxiously. "No you're not! When would Garos Hmiol issue me with a command?" The drugged master grinned like a lunatic. "Go away you Hmiol wannabe!" Jemmiah stepped forward. "Master Biwo. We are gonna leave you there if you don't come down right now." "Shan't!" "Bassalads!" Jemmiah swore. "How are we gonna get him down?" "We're not." Rela replied. "But I know a man who can." Jemmy and Rela exchanged a look that Obi-Wan didn't think a particularly good omen for his master. |
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| A Night to (almost) Remember |
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