| ***** The Freetrader had to be the strangest cantina that Qui-Gon had ever seen in his life. It gave every appearance of being situated on one level, but when you walked inside it dropped, and dropped… A glass floor enabled everybody on the floor above to have an excellent bird’s eye view of whatever was going on down below, which was the main reason that the Jedi master was so apprehensive about making a fool of himself in public. Sith knew what Jemmiah had planned this time… "I just know I’m going to regret this." He sighed, "but I think we should be told. Does this involve copious alcohol, partial nudity or kissing?" "That’s all optional." Jemmy replied, hoping to look a little less dead on her feet than she felt. "I’ve ordered this section to be cornered off for the next half hour or so." "Why?" Mace asked in suspicion. "My assistant will explain." Jemmiah pointed to the bar surface. "Zak, get the drinks in." "Sure thing, sweet lips." He winked at her, much to Obi-Wan’s chagrin. Qui-Gon looked about. "What assistant?" He frowned. "I can’t see anyone." "Gussie?" Jemmiah hollered. "Quit hiding girl, Master Jinn wants to see what you’ve got planned." A gentle growling from underneath the counter had Hmiol’s eyes nearly bug out on stalks. Oh, Sith! The furry, grizzled head of a Wookie raised itself up from behind the bar. "It’s HER!" Garos squawked dryly. "It’s that blasted Wookie!" "It is NOT!" Jemmiah said indignantly. "It’s an entirely different blasted Wookie. This is Gussie. Well, it’s not her real name, but even if you could pronounce it you’d take up half the evening doing so." "It looks like the same Wookie." Garos mumbled in shock. "If you must know, Gussie and Flint are third cousins twice removed. That explains the close physical resemblance. Now quit moaning, Hmiol or I’ll set her on you." Garos moved several paces back rapidly as the extremely tall and hairy figure moved forwards and started to clear the area of chairs. "Ok. What’s going on." Demanded Dexy. "Don’t worry Dex, my boy," Krelo pinched his cheek, "I’ll make sure you’re alright!" "Yes, I don’t doubt that," Berlingside grinned lazily, "but what about the contest?" Krelo slapped him on the arm. "We are having a little game." Jemmy nodded as the Wookie continued to strip all the chairs away. "Of?" Kenobi prompted. "Musical Men." Jemmiah rubbed her hands together. "Oh, gooooooody!" Lilith Demodae said in approval. "I bags Mace’s knee. I almost got that far the last time when he had his boxers round his ankles. Now I want to test the goods!" Mace gulped. "For those who don’t have the slightest idea what we are talking about," Spider stepped forwards, "the rules are simple. EVERY GIRL FOR HERSELF!" "Eh?" An-Paj looked a little worried. "The guys are all in a circle. When the music stops, the girls have to throw themselves down onto a knee of their choice. Last couple to do so is out. And so on, until there’s a winner. "Me!" said Rela with an evil grin that Qui-Gon did not like the look of one little bit. "In your dreams!" Spider replied happily. "I always do well when it comes to throwing myself at men." "There’s the current champion." Jemmy muttered with a nod of the head at Sal-Fina. Mace shook his head. "This is for crèche babies." "This’ll make you feel right at home then," Spider rubbed his shiny head as she walked over to Gussie. She handed the Wookie a silver plated whistle. "Gussie is the adjudicator. If she says you’re out, you’re out." Qui-Gon stared up at the enormous, furry being. He didn’t think anyone would argue with her at all… "Do I have to do this?" He groaned. "YES!" chorused Rela and Jemmiah in perfect unison. Great, thought Qui-Gon. Double trouble. With the glass floor empty and shining, some of the drunker padawans and a few of the knights began to get into a circle. Still, the masters hung back. "If you don’t I’ll tell Master Yoda what you said about his singing!" Jemmy warned sternly. "And I’ll tell him who set off those fire alarms…" Rela added. Jinn snorted in annoyance and took his place on the floor. Reluctantly, Mace followed him. As they looked down through the reinforced glass, they could see the daunting sight of all the customers underneath staring right back at them. Jemmy grinned as she looked down. "Hey Ben, this’ll give me the chance to show off my new underwear." Kenobi’s jaw dropped. Gussie readied herself by the music system. She had the feeling that proceedings were soon going to get very much out of hand… Qui-Gon liked to observe. He was on one knee. All the other males were on one knee. All the females were walking round and round and round them as if they were Corellian Sand Panthers stalking their prey. That Spider had an evil, competitive look about her. Didn’t look as if she would want to miss out on the chance for a laugh. Rela was just itching for the music to stop. He could tell. And as for Jemmiah, her head was carried in that low, eyes to the ground, stubborn Corellian pose that he knew so well from when she had been occasionally quarrelsome as a child. Leona seemed rather shaky. He thought perhaps that the alcohol was beginning to have an effect. Kylenn looked as if she had been putting off her appointment to bite the floor for some time. That was the strange thing about alcohol, thought Qui-Gon to himself as the legs swept past him, you never knew how it was going to affect… "QUICK!" Screamed Meri as the music stopped, her quick reflexes not dulled by the alcohol she had consumed. Qui-Gon braced himself for the inevitable impact as three different individuals fought for the honor of sitting in his lap. It occurred to him briefly that he should really be enjoying himself… Rela won the first round by virtue of being faster and smaller than either Krelo or Vernice Ashdal. "Hey Babyface. Looks like we’re still in the game." "More’s the pity." He scanned the room to see Jemmiah sitting in Simeon’s lap, the latter having the most drunkenly happy expression on his face. Spider had welded herself to Mace. "I WISH YOU’D GET OFF." Mace growled. "If you don’t want to see me then fine!" Spider reached up and pulled the makeshift headband over his eyes. "I’m half way to heaven." Sighed Simeon. "You’re half way to getting a punch in the mouth." Obi-Wan grimaced under Dimallie’s weight. "Mind my hands, please." Lilith’s face showed she was more than happy to be sitting on Dexy’s knee, but the unpopular Junine had run out of time, and laps to sit on. "OUT! OUT! OUT!" Chanted Rela and Meri together as the abashed looking padawan went over to sit not too far away from Kryztan Harkley. As Dimallie stood up, her foot gave Obi-Wan a kick he wouldn’t forget in a hurry. The sort that no amount of torture or Jedi training could prepare you for. "SIIIIIIIIIIIITH!" He screamed. Qui-Gon winced. He’d felt the resulting agony through their bond. "Have you broken anything?" Leona asked in concern. "Not that I’m prepared to admit to." Squeaked Kenobi. "Does it hurt?" Simeon asked. Obi-Wan stared at him. "Remember that crab on Florizan?" He hissed. "Yes," Simeon nodded, "I remember. You all laughed like a drain." "Any swelling?" Leona asked. "I swear I’m going to swing for someone." He gritted his teeth against the pain. Jemmiah frowned. "Try eating something. Take your mind of it." "Like what?" Kenobi said sourly. "Wait…"Jemmiah turned to Spider, "You’ve got some candy haven’t you?" Spider nodded and delved into her jacket pocket, bringing out a little bag. She walked over to the stricken padawan. "Cheer up Kenobi," She said gleefully, "have an Aniseed Ball." Spider looked down at the floor and saw that a sizeable crowd had now gathered and were staring right back at her through the glass. Regular customers, bar staff, drunken patrons and one or two people armed with holocams had converged under the see-through floor, gawking at the amazing spectacle taking place above their heads. She exchanged a meaningful glance with first Rela and then Jemmiah. Jemmy grinned. "Hey, guys. How about we make this into a night to almost remember?" "I'm with you." Rela's eyes sparkled with glee. "What do we do?" Spider frowned. Jemmy spared poor Obi-Wan a brief, sympathetic glance as he sucked on an aniseed ball. The bag lay on a table not far from the beleaguered padawan. Having retired injured he had very little else to do other than watch the antics from the sidelines along with the sour faced Junine. Further back, almost in shadow, was the ostracized Kryztan Harkley. Jemmiah couldn't help wonder what lies he'd told his master this time to cover his additional facial injuries… "Are you three playing or not?" Jay Abran called impatiently. "Yeah, yeah. Be right with you." Rela muttered. Jemmiah hurried over to Obi-Wan's table and snatched the bag away from him. "Sorry, Ben. We need 'em more than you do." "Oh, great." Obi-Wan moped. "You've taken away my only available pleasure." "Just have to use your imagination, won't you?" Jemmiah winked as she scampered back to the group. Obi-Wan sighed. "I've been doing that for the last few weeks." Rela and Spider stood beside her. "What's going on Jemmy?" Spider persisted. "You see those people down there?" "Uh-huh?" "How do you fancy being on the local news grids?" "Eh?" Rela blinked. "You've lost me." Jemmiah pointed. "Press reporters." She whispered at her partners in crime. "You are JOKING!" "Let's give them something to capture for all posterity, what do you think?" "Yes, but how?" Spider persisted. Delving into the bag of round, hard aniseed balls Jemmiah pulled out a handful and divided them between all three. "When the music stops…" "Oh, brilliant!" Rela was impressed. "Do you sit at home with a list of nasty tricks to play on everyone?" Spider smiled. Flint started the music. "Get ready." Jemmy said with a sideways curl of the lips. Obi-Wan sat with a wary expression on his face. Jemmy was up to something, that much was clear. He'd known her for too many years to not recognize the signs of mischief in the offing. The smile would grow more lopsided, the eyes would become even brighter and her body movements screamed of barely contained excitement. If only some of that excitement were aimed at him. Although in his current state he doubted very much he could cope with it… The females all walked swiftly in a circle round the men. Well, staggered in some cases, Obi-Wan thought with a half smile. Qui-Gon looked as if he'd given in and decided to enjoy himself at long last. Mace appeared to have temporarily forgotten about his newly acquired tattoo. Leona sighed far too loudly as she held up his master's robe so that it wouldn't trail along the ground. He saw the subtle smile shared by Rela and Spider. Oh yes, something was afoot. Suddenly the music cut out. As undignified panic ensued, Krelo and Lilith fighting each other off from Qui-Gon's knee and Meri throwing herself down so hard in An-Paj's lap that he thought he could her the "Urmph!" of exhaled air from where he sat. "Get your hands off him, Kre! He's mine! Lilith crowed. "That's what you think!" Krelo gritted her teeth in friendly competition. "Be careful with him, he's old!" Obi-Wan shouted out. "Not too old to put you over my knee for that cheek, padawan!" called Qui-Gon sternly. "Yeah, but ME FIRST!" Lilith screamed as she pushed Krelo aside and sprawled across Jinn's knee. "That's not fair!" Krelo pushed back. Jemmy laughed breathlessly and signaled the other two. Obi-Wan watched as several aniseed balls rolled across the floor in different directions, catching the unwary off guard and off balance. "Sith!" Screamed Vernice as she toppled over taking out Sal-Fina and Leona together. Leona went over as if she were a skittle, knocking Qui-Gon off his kneeling stance and onto the floor and spilling both Krelo and Lilith over him. Kylenn was making an unsteady but determined grab for Simeon and fighting Ambianca off with a tug on her padawan braid. "Hey, Obi! You don't know what you're missing!" Simeon grinned with a thumbs up sign as the two girls battled to sit on his knee. Jemmiah shrugged mentally and launched herself into the fray. She spotted Zac V'Aladee and took a flying leap, her heel catching on one of the sweets as it rolled towards the young padawan and spectacularly flailed about with her arms to keep upright. Unfortunately, gravity won out. Obi-Wan watched in horror as she gave a half laugh/squeal and fell back, legs flying upwards in the most undignified manner. "This is even better!" Simeon called, delighted with his close to the action view of things. Obi-Wan stood up to help but changed his mind. No way was he walking through that minefield of aniseed balls. With his record it would almost certainly lead to treble fractures of every breakable bone in his body. Instead, he viewed the proceedings with horrified fascination as above the plasti glass surface a swarm of sprawling bodies writhed and gyrated like eels stranded by the waves, whilst below he saw what appeared to be the best part of fifty beings of every race imaginable armed with holocams. Sithspit! Yoda would go loopy! In his mind he could already see tomorrows headlines: JEDI CANTINA ORGY! Looking across, he could see an enraged Sal-Fina arguing with an enfeebled Leona and Lilith still draped possessively across Qui-Gon's body. Dex Berlingside had Depa Billaba face down on his lap! How bad did that look?!?! Jemmiah was lying on her back, somewhat stunned and helpless with laughter. An-Paj was trying to keep a straight face and not succeeding very well. Jay Abran and the large Togorian Tanni Welasa were also victims of the aniseed attack. Rela was clinging for dear life round Jodi's neck. Mace had Spider on his knee. "Not you AGAIN!" He sighed. "But you're my fave person." Spider smiled. "I like a guy with a shiny head. It saves me using a mirror to put on my lip gloss!" Dex had managed to extricate Depa from his person and they carefully picked their way across the floor. "What is this? Past, present and future? Qui-Gon Jinn groupie reunion meeting?" He smirked. "All we need is Evla Sovalla and we might have a full house!" "Very amusing." Qui-Gon snapped as Lilith rolled off him. "Hey, Jinn. That was kinda fun. If you ever want to do that again just give me a call." Demodae winked at him. An-Paj sat with a creased brow. "I want to know one thing." He said to Leona. "What's that?" "Why is Jemmiah wearing your underwear?" He asked. Leona gulped nervously and Obi-Wan squirmed with embarrassment. "Hey," Simeon grinned lazily; "whoever's wearing it, the view's spectacular!" "That's it! Enough is enough!" Mace called out, standing up and dropping Spider unceremoniously onto the floor. "Let's stand up, drink up and get out!" "Has anyone got anything for a hernia?" groaned Jodi. "What's a hernia?" Vernice frowned. "Isn't it some kind of Corellian drink?" "You tell me, I'll mix it." Rela laughed. Jemmiah lay on her back, still laughing. "Ohhhh! That was a good one. And why has An-Paj been looking at Leona's undies anyway?" She smirked. "N-now I didn't mean anything…" An-Paj looked a little worried. "Is that how the healers get their thrills?" "I…I didn't, that is to say, I wouldn't…I mean, Leona showed me…" There was a series of wolf whistles. "It's always the quiet ones you have to watch, eh Qui-Gon?" Lilith nudged Jinn in the ribs. "I wouldn't know. I always seem to end up with people who could talk the back legs off a Bantha." Qui-Gon looked distastefully at Sal-Fina. "They're not mine." Leona slurred, "they're Simeon's." The jeering got louder. "Why is Jemmy wearing Simeon's knickers?" Frowned Spider. "Eh?" Kylenn asked. "Why does Simeon wear them in the first place?" Bai added. "They're not mine…they're Obi's." Simeon said defensively. "I'm confused…" Kylenn sighed. Rela frowned. "Simeon's wearing Obi's undies?" "Look, you do not want to go there." Abran smirked. "You're right, I don't!" Rela agreed. "Whose are they?" Kylenn asked in bafflement before she passed out. "Look, they're mine OK?" Jemmy tried to sit up. "Property of Jemmiah. Give us a hand, would you Simmy?" "Where do you want it?" Cates laughed. "They really suit you, Jemmiah." Grinned Zak as he squinted at her. "But for the sake of your boyfriend, maybe you should pull your dress down a bit." Jemmy turned her head and saw Obi-Wan preparing to chance a clear path through the aniseed balls and tugged at the hem of her dress. "How come everyone else gets to look at them and I don't?" He mumbled to himself. "Oh, first casualty of the evening." Lilith pointed to a gently snoring Kylenn who was lying face down on the floor. "I'll carry her." Dex volunteered gallantly. In the corner there came another muffled scream. Garos Hmiol unexpectedly found himself entangled with yet another Wookie. "GET OFFFFFFF!" He yelped. "She says Flint warned her you were on your way over and she wanted to see if you were as cute as she said you were." "What is it with Hmiol and Wookies?" Qui-Gon said in disgust. "There's a time and a place for everything." He looked down at all the holocams pointing right back up at him. "This is neither. I suggest we beat a hasty retreat." "I agree with Cuddly Tickle Lips." Jemmy tittered. Qui-Gon's brow furrowed. "What was that?" "I said, Cuddly Tickle Lips. It's your name for the evening." "And how do you work that out?" Qui-Gon crossed his arms as Simeon pulled her, not altogether steadily, to her feet. "You each get a word representing the initials in your name. Your first name begins with Q…" "You were paying attention at school, I'm impressed!" Spider laughed. "And that word is Cuddly. The next letter is J for Jinn, and that letter is Tickle. And the Jinn ends in N, and that's…" "Lips?" Qui-Gon shook his head. "I think he's caught on." Rela whispered to Obi-Wan. "So, what's Obi-Wan?" asked Simeon. "Hmmm…Hot love Stud, I think." "Yes, well. Enough about my attributes, what is my name?" Grinned Obi-Wan. "And what about me?" Dex Berlingside enquired. "Flirty Fluffy Pants!" Jemmiah smirked. That got another burst of laughter from the others. "What about me?" Mace wondered. "Passionate Twinkle Bottom." Jemmy supplied, her grin growing as she searched for the list of initials. Thank the gods it hadn't been in her bag… "Here we go," she said. As the others gathered round there were more than a few cries of dissatisfaction. "How come I'm Hairy Swamp Monster?" An-Paj complained. "Sweaty Bantha Legs?" Simeon looked a little disgruntled. "Hairy Moist Cleavage!" Screamed Ambianca. "Curvy Poodoo Pants! The cheek!" Lilith frowned. Sal-Fina was fuming. "How come she," the Jedi pointed at Jemmy, "gets to be Ravishing Angel Lips, and I get to be Sweaty Sour Muffin?!?!" "Somebody knows you too well." Qui-Gon tried to keep from laughing. They made their way up to the next floor and then towards the doorway. Kylenn was swinging drunkenly over Dex's broad shoulder, groaning a little with every step. All the while the holocams followed them. "Somebody tell Hmiol to stop fumbling with that Wookie." Qui-Gon said, keeping his eyes firmly on the door ahead. As Dex made it to the exit, Kylenn woke up to see a holocam being pointed in her face. "I'm jussssst here forrr the ride." She managed. "But between you and me, don't ask whose knickers they were. I just don't have a clue…" "Let's see this list of yours!" Lilith frowned as they walked down the street. A. Hairy B. Saucy C. Crazy D. Flirty E. Cheeky F. Silly G. Greasy H. Itchy I. Dirt y J. Ravishing K. Naughty L. Curvy M. Passionate N. Devilish O. Hot P. Thick Q. Cuddly R. Heavenly S. Sweaty T. Cute U. Sinful V. Sexy W. Loveable X. Bouncy Y. Tender Z. Smelly Second Name (First initial of your surname): A. Chuckle B. Fluffy C. Bantha D. Poodoo E. Sith F. Sour G. Angel H. Puddle I . Nerf J. Tickle K. Love L. Stinky M. Moist N. Giggle O. Saber P. Swamp Q. Sweet R. Fresher S. Perfect T. Sewer U. Rancid V. Feather w. Twinkle X. Buttock Y. Flower Z. Blue Third Name (Last initial of your surname): A. Knickers B. Crawler C. Tiger D. Heap E. Pants F. God G. Slave H. Dumpling I. Stud J. Monster K. Cleavage L. Breath M. Feet N. Lips O. Brain P. Weed Q. Toad R. Muffin S. Legs T. Belch U. Bottom V. Packet W. Eyes X. Head Y. Kitten Z. Rat. ***** Lilith snatched the list from Jemmiah's hands and perused it. "Hmm, well, Curvy Poodoo Pants -is- better than Sweaty Sewer Stud, anyway." She handed the List back to her fellow Corellian with a grin. "Makes me rather glad I changed my name." ***** Rela looked at Jemmiah's list. "Heavenly Sweet Lips, huh?" she giggled. "Anyone care to try them out?" "I can hardly walk." Muttered Vernice. "My feet are killing me." "But we've got loads of cantinas left." Rela said cheerily, aware that she was doing by far the best due to her no alcohol policy. "Loads and loads and…" "OK. I got the message." Shuddered Vernice. "You are telling us that there are not a few drinking establishments left to visit, and collectively we are all going to end up dead in the gutter before we finish our crawl. Or before Yoda sees the state we are in." "We shall all be pleading for death by then, I'm afraid." Qui-Gon replied, but with a strangely contented look on his recently shorn face. Jemmy noticed it and frowned. "Why are you so happy?" She asked. "Because we are ALL in a lot of trouble. Nothing that happens now can possibly get any worse, so I am determined to enjoy the last eight cantinas before the little hobgoblin decides to flay us all to within an inch of our lives." "Hobgoblin?" Jemmiah bit her lip in mirth. "Yes. You know, Yoda? The troll? Poison Ivy?" "Explain that one, would you master?" Obi-Wan asked. Qui-Gon smirked, an unusual expression for him. "It started when he invited Dex, Mace and Liza Pashaz to dinner back when we were all padawans. He cooked one of his famous recipes. Sith knows what it was, I couldn't begin to guess. It was sort of grey with lumps of something. Anyway, we were all quite unwell for about a day or so afterwards. So we called him Poison Ivy, because he tried to gastronomically induce our demise and Ivy because he's green and creeps about the place." "Makes you wonder what OUR padawans call us, don't you think?" Berlingside paused to shift the weight of the dangling Kylenn across his back. Obi-Wan made a noise from his throat that sounded like dry laughter. "What?" Qui-Gon asked dubiously. "Oh, nothing master. Don't you worry. It sure as hell beats being called Snugglebuns." "Or Pickle Lips!" Meri laughed. "Nevermind Pickle Lips," Jemmy grinned as she waved her list about, "We've got our very own Cuddly Tickle Lips!" "I don't know where you come up with all this stuff, really." Jinn shook his head. Jemmy stared ahead. The line of Jedi was looking more and unsteady as collectively they zigzagged all over the walkway. The next port of call was where she would strike her killer blow, and effectively finish off any of the masters who could still remember their real names. "Oh, I would like to be a fly on the wall when Yoda catches up with Passionate Twinkle Bottom. He'll never want to show his face again, especially after what Greasy Swamp Pants did to him. And poor Flirty Fluffy Pants having to carry Naughty Nerf Stud like that." Rela agreed. "Greasy Fresher Muffin's just been goosed by Curvy Poodoo Pants and Naughty Fresher Dumpling. Again." "By the look on his face he probably enjoyed it!" Jemmy agreed. "Ravishing Moist Muffin and Smelly Feather Pants are up to no good." "He's probably composing an ode to the cantina crawl." Qui-Gon said gruffly. "Look! Curvy Swamp Knickers is tripping over the hem of your robe!" Jemmy pointed. "When she's drunk she's almost as clumsy as Flirty Moist Knickers!" "Greasy Sewer Belch and Hairy Swamp Monster are having some sort of professional conversation." Meri observed. "Probably discussing Ravishing Angel Lips' underwear." "Oh, and Sweaty Bantha Legs looks as if he's about to…yes, he's up-chucked again. Just missed Silly Fluffy Brain and Greasy Puddle Breath." "Enough!" Qui-Gon said, trying to follow the conversation and failing miserably. "Or else expect to find The Swamp Monster tending your over heated brains in Hot Love Stud ward." Qui-Gon viewed the scene. He knew he was not as sober as he should be, because his brain was beginning to fog just a little bit, but he was nowhere near as bad as some of the others. Vernice, who had a complex about her largish behind anyhow, was walking along like a duck. Leona was tripping about and Jinn wondered whether the master was keeping the apprentice steady or whether it was the other way about. Either way, he didn't reckon much to the chances of his getting his robe back without some kind of mishap… "Where are we heading?" Qui-Gon asked. "The Coruscant Jewel." Jemmy replied. "It's kind of old fashioned. "She shot him a sly look. "You should like it." |
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| A Night to (almost) Remember |
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